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Kid You Not believes in the Wizard of Oz style of parenting: All you need is a brain, some courage and a heart. Oh, and some Jager.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What's in my pockets, right now

I just reached into my pants pocket hoping to scrape together enough coin for lunch. What I found wouldn’t buy a bag of honey mustard and onion Nibblers (mmmmm, honey mustard and onion Nibblers), but it did get me thinking about what its like being the father of two girls, age 2 and 6.
Here’s the inventory:
- Three cartoon character stickers: Swiper, Tinker Bell and Nemo. I have no idea who Swiper is. He appears to be a larcenous fox. Not sure what message that sends to kids. Maybe Swiper and the Hamburglar can get together and go on a good ol’ rip-roarin’ bloody crime spree.
Tinker Bell needs no introduction. Disney is starting a big marketing campaign around Tink, which is just fine with me. You know those racy adult Halloween costumes that everyone’s talking about? My favorite would be the naughty Tinker Bell, which is kind of redundant.
Nemo was a perfectly fine movie, but I didn’t love it. I always thought it was dreamed up by Disney marketers, who then called in a couple of hacks to toss together a leaving-the-nest plot. A hyper-cute tropical fish makes for hyper-popular merch. That’s what was so great about Shrek. I’m sure the marketers wanted to Nemo-ize the ogre a bit.
- Two Band-Aids. Young kids love Band-Aids. A sure way to stop the tears after a knee scrape, is to say "That’s going to need a Band-Aid." Then I would bring out these Band-Aids, but my kids would be psychologically damaged because they don’t have Nemo all over them.
- Some kind of cardboard game piece with the picture of a bear on it. I’m pretty sure it’s Corduroy the bear, but I have no idea what game it comes from. I probably found it somewhere completely improbable, like the refridgerator, and stuffed it in my pocket in case it’s the crucial missing piece from my kids’ favorite board game. Years from now, on my death bed, having never taken this game piece out of my pocket, it will be my Rosebud. Corduroy, Corduroy...
- Three hair clips, various styles. One is an elastic. One is a fancy bobby pin with a flower on one end. One is a cheap plastic clip. The Register once did a story on a local salon teaching dads how to handle their daughter’s hair. I thought that was a great idea, because my greatest failure as a father thus far is my inability to get these damn hair clips to stay in place. Which is why, when you see me out with the kids, they look like the Nick Nolte mug shot.
There you have it. I guess you can tell a lot about a person by what they have in their pockets. I just wish I had another quarter, because I really want some Nibblers. Honey mustard and onion.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The mouse dumps the junk


Kid You Not spends a lot of time criticizing McDonalds for the insidious ways it pushes their horrible food on kids, things like sending Ronald McDonald into schools and libraries under the guise of reading awareness or some other Trojan horse.
So it’s nice to be able to praise another multi-national corporation for a good deed, even as they suck up your cash faster than you can say George Michael.
Walt Disney Co. recently announced it would stop licensing its characters to junk food, and instead dish out the coveted Disney brand to decent kids’ eats. In other words, the Incredibles Pop-Parts are out and the Mickey apple dippers are in.
"Parents try to make intelligent choices, said Disney honcho Thomas O. Staggs. "The right thing to do for our company, our brand and our characters in to provide them those choices."
This is exactly the point Kid You Not makes when assailing McDonalds. A parent can take steps to make sure their kid eats good food, but when a school or library essentially endorses McDonalds, the parent loses a lot of leverage next time the golden arches appear in the car window. Inversely, having Tinker Bell on a package of, say, whole grain bread helps mom and dad do the right thing.
The big news is Disney World and Disney Land is replacing fries and soda in kids’ meals with vegetables and juice. Judging by the size of a lot of the parents at these parks, Disney might want to make it a blanket policy.
Kid You Not now calls on PBS to follow Disney’s lead and drop McDonalds as a sponsor for its popular kids’ shows.
By the way, Disney is not endorsing that completely inappropriate George Michael reference.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

No TV? Are you nuts?

Kid You Not’s favorite parenting advice columnist, John "Go ahead and smack the little bugger" Rosemond is surveying parents about TV. He thinks kids who watch a ton of TV are frying their brains, and he’s probably right. As always is the case in Rosemond’s world, the solution is harsh: no TV ever, ever, ever. Rosemond is surveying parents who have completely eliminated TV.
Here’s the questions and Kid You Not’s answers:
Q. Are you experiencing significant problems in the area of discipline?
A. Yes, there’s hitting and shouting. And that’s just between me and my wife. We’re frustrated because the sound of whining in the house has reached Gitmo interrogation volume levels.
Q. Have any of your children been diagnosed with a learning disability or learning disorder, including attention deficit disorder?
A. Yes, ever since we eliminated TV.
Q. Are they having problems in school and if so, of what sort?
A. Yes, they’re drawing pictures of a TV on the blackboard and acting out scenes from "Higglytown Heroes."
Q. Do your kids play independently and creatively or do they rely heavily upon you to structure their free time.
A. They have become very creative. They built a thermonuclear device in the basement using the hard drive from a Commodore 64, a coffee can and the trigger switch from a Barbie safari Jeep. They have threatened to detonate it if we don’t turn on "Charlie and Lola" RIGHT NOW!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Free the children!

There is something seriously wrong with the state of childhood in this country if the American Academy of Pediatrics has to release a major, "A Nation At Risk"-style report telling parents to let their kids go out and play.
What’s next, a federal task force urging parents to make sure their kids are wearing clothes when they go to school? How screwed up do things have to be if a group of doctors with enough diplomas to wallpaper a room have to remind parents about something so patently obvious?
Actually, pretty screwed up.
Kid You Not has a healthy skepticism when is comes to media reports about how messed up kids are today, but generally today’s youth are more sheltered, more controlled and more pressured than ever before. It’s why children today are fatter, doped up on Ritalin and unable to think on their own and make their own decisions.
How does this happen? Parents are scared stiff. And I’m not talking about pedophiles. Parents are frightened their kids won’t fit in in school, get straight A’s, score a soccer goal. They’re worried their kids aren’t happy, well-adjusted little achievers. So they micromanage every detail in their children’s lives. Including playtime.
Parents buy "educational" games like Baby Einstein and Leap Frog. They fill every block of free time with sports lessons, music lessons, dance lessons and tutoring.
So the AAP report is actually needed. Kids should know what their backyard looks like. Which trees are good for climbing. Which secret places are best for hiding.
I know it’s hard. As a parent, it’s difficult to tell my kids to go out and play. I always feel a twinge of guilt, but I know they’re always in view. A scraped knee is worth it if my daughters learn to be creative on their own, settle their own disputes and then come in for some book reading with daddy on the couch.
It’s always fun to think back to our own childhoods. In the 70s, our parents simply told us to get the hell out of the house, which gave them more time to buy harvest gold appliances, paneling and the most hideous wallpaper known to man.
Once set free, the kids in my neighborhood loved a game we called foundation tag. After the foundation of a new house was ready, we’d climb over the exposed rebar, jump down and whiz tennis balls at each other.
Not exactly educational, but we sure did have fun.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Kids' music parents like (really!)



Here’s what it’s like when I’m driving and the kids are in the back seat, strapped down and powerless:
ME: "Which Tom Waits CD do you guys want to hear? "Mule Variations" or something old school like "Heart Attack and Vine?"
THEM: "We want a new daddy."
Alas, the travel conundrum: how to find music mutually pleasing to the front seat people and the back seat passengers. Kid You Not is here to help.
Farmer Jason "Rockin’ in the Forest"
In the early 80’s, if you had no use for Tears for Fears but waited in line to see The Replacements, you probably recall Jason and the Scorchers. They were a great alt-country-punk band that tore up clubs way back then. Jason Ringenburg still puts out solo records but his alter-ego is attracting lots of attention. Buy this if you like funny, twangy kids tunes that rock. Go see Farmer Jason Nov. 5 at the Chevy Theater in Wallingford. He’s part of a package tour called "Jamarama."
Dan Zanes "Catch That Train"
If you waited in line to see The Replacements in the early 80’s, you probably went to plenty of Del Fuegos gigs. Dan Zanes has gone on to greater fame for his series of fantastic kids records. Buy his latest if you like Woody Guthrie, Otis Redding and Joe Strummer.
Also, try a mix tape: Grizzled veterans like NRBQ and Jonathan Richman have never lost their child-like wonder. Soul legend Rufus Thomas sings two hits that kids love: "Funky Chicken" and "Walking the Dog." Bubblegum pop from the 60’s is great, particularly The Ohio Express (Chewy, Chewy) and The Archies (Sugar, Sugar). My kids also love the new New York Dolls song "Monkey Dance."
I knew I was doing something right.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Ariel returns (still got that clamshell bra)


Way back before we had kids, my wife and I used to go to adult movies. No, no, not those adult movies. Movies for grown-ups, like the time in 1997 we saw "Boogie Nights" and "L.A. Confidential" in the same week.
Now, a movie means $40 for a babysitter and $20 to hear people talk while you watch junk like "Dahliaflyboyhollywoodkingsmen." So we usually wait for the DVD or make a careful decision (Scorsese+Nicholson=me in a movie seat).
Since the kids arrived, most of our movie going involves animated fish, ogres and furry creatures. The arrival of a new fancy re-release of "The Little Mermaid" has us particularly excited. Our daughters have loved this movie since the day they first saw it and its wholesome, yearning for adventure message is fine by me. With one exception.
No one ever notices this, but Ariel is 15 when the movie starts and 16 when she marries Eric. Eric, living alone in a castle with servants, is most likely a decade older. No wonder King Triton goes bonkers when his teenage daughter heads to the surface. I know what he’s thinking: "Sixteen is too young to get married. This is my undersea kingdom, not Arkansas."
Which gets me thinking: Why are fathers in some Disney movies always clueless? They’re either full of rage (Triton), buffoons (Jasmine’s dad) or weaklings (Belle’s father). It’s a good thing, though, that Jasmine’s dad is an idiot because if he figured out what Alladin and Jasmine are really saying when they sing "A Whole New World" he’d grab Triton’s spear and give new meaning to the term "radical Muslim." Read the lyrics here and tell me its not about, shall we say, deflowering.

McExploitation, Pt. 3

A big pet peeve here at Kid You Not is the insidious ways McDonald’s tries to scratch its way into your kids’ lives. Regular readers (Hi Mom!) know I’ve criticized the Derby public school system and the Derby public library for inviting a guy in a Ronald McDonald suit to talk about safe behavior and the benefits of reading. I believe McDonald’s motives are not pure: let’s say 20 percent genuine concern for safety and reading; 80 percent locking up a future generation of consumers of the worst food you could possibly give a child. And I’m probably being generous.
Now comes the Wallingford public library selling itself out for $5,000. The "charitable arm" of McDonalds paid for the construction of a puppet theater in the library. You can be sure there’s going to be a plaque on the puppet theater featuring the Golden Arches. A public library should be a place free of advertising, marketing or any attempt to use little minds to further corporate profits.
Don’t you think it’s funny that all these charitable efforts are focused on kids? How come McDonald’s didn’t pay for the library’s air conditioning system or new roof? It’s often said 4 percent of kids don’t recognize Ronald McDonald. This is all about reaching the 4 percenters. School and library officials should not give in to the temptation when McDonald’s comes knocking. Do a fund-raiser. Solicit a local business to donate the materials and have a Boy Scout troop build the puppet theater.
Look, I know Ronald McDonald Houses are wonderful places that help families of children admitted to hospitals. But please let it stop there. Ronald McDonald, stay out of our libraries and schools.