Kid You Not

Let the attacks begin

2009-10-15T16:37:00.003-04:00

Right now, I'm hoping the Boy in the Balloon is hiding in a closet somewhere, afraid of being punished for letting his dad's silver flying saucer loose to fly willy-nilly around the Colorado sky.
I'm also fearful that 6-year-old boy has met a tragic end.
Either way, his parents face severe punishment in the court of public opinion. Boys get into everything, they will say. Boys seek out trouble, they say. If there's a hole in a fence, an uncovered well, a curious child will find it.
Do responsible parents allow access to a giant inflated balloon? Of course not. Go easy on them, I say. Their boy has flown away, beyond their help. They are being punished enough.

Kids say the darndest things

2009-10-07T14:13:00.002-04:00

Dad: You went to the school nurse today?
Kindergartner: Yeah, I got a splinter.
Dad: Did you get a Band-Aid?
Kindergartner: No, she put gasoline on it.
Dad:(long pause) You mean Vaseline?
Kindergartner: Yeah. Heh.

What the president should have told my daughter

2009-09-09T16:20:00.002-04:00

President Obama’s school pep talk went over well and all the kooks who kept their kids out of school or had them sit in the cafeteria during the speech are probably feeling foolish. Most kids watched the speech and hopefully the president’s message of paying attention in class and working hard got through to them. I just wish Obama could have expanded his message to include some of the issues I have to deal with.
Something like this:
“...at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.
“And for you fourth graders, I’d like to ask you to get up on time so you don’t have to run around like a crazy person five minutes before the bus gets here looking for the blue homework folder and your reading log. And don’t take 10 minutes to decide what you want for breakfast so your father doesn’t lose 10 precious newspaper-reading minutes waiting for you to decide between the corn flakes or the bagel.
“You should provide your parents with a detailed description of your school activities at dinnertime, not a one syllable word like “fine” or “good” followed by a complaint that the kids who get hot lunch had an “icy juicy” for dessert and you had yogurt. Also, try and remember what day is gym class so you don’t have to change from shoes to sneakers 30 seconds before the bus gets here.
“It would be helpful of you’d stop asking for a $10 dry erase board that fits in your locker so you can write messages to the person who shares your locker. The person who’s standing next to you everytime you’re at the locker. And don’t bring up what kind of backpack you want for fifth grade, two weeks after getting a new shoulder bag for fourth grade. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.”
Now that would be a great speech. And lastly, Mr. President, if you’re reading, could you have someone in your administration please tell me what an “icy juicy” is.

Rock chick

2009-09-01T14:05:00.002-04:00

Is it bad parenting to allow your 5-year-old daughter to go to her first rock concert? If so, I’m guilty.
Tonight, my daughter may be the youngest fan at The Killers’ show at Jones Beach on Long Island. She will be supervised, of course, by my Killers-loving wife, but she will be right there in the eighth row wearing her pink Killers T-shirt amid the screaming teenage girls and fist-pumping dudes.
So how does a girl who just managed to read her first book — Angelina Ballerina — end up being awake way past her bedtime two days before kindergarten starts at a rock show?
Careful planning, that’s how.
It all started earlier this year when we noticed her singing along to The Killers in the car. Her 9-year-old sister enjoys the band fine enough, but with nowhere near the enthusiasm of her younger sister.
“Could you turn it up a little bit,” she’d say.
As a music snob parent, I couldn’t be happier. The evil influence of the Jonas Brothers looms large over the pre-teen music world. We’ve caught our older daughter discussing the Jonas Brothers’ hair styles, something that made my heart cry in anguish. I’ve lost her, but I can still save the other one.
So my wife and I have encouraged her love of grown-up rock. After precise cultivation and a little manipulation, her favorite bands are the Killers, Ting-Tings and Vampire Weekend. That's just the start. "Honey, do you like this song? It's by the Ramones."
Too bad, Jonas Brothers, you won’t get this one with your stupid, manufactured corporate pop-punk.
My first rock concert was KISS in January 1977. I was 13. So my message to my 5-year-old daughter as she embarks on a lifelong love of loud guitars is this: May you rock ‘n roll all night and party every day! (as long as you keep those grades up).

Not all fast food is bad

2009-08-20T16:05:00.003-04:00

Just to show I’m not some crazed food police guy — all my anti-McDonalds posts notwithstanding — here’s some praise for Denny’s for changing its kids’ menu.
The company has added “Better For You” choices for kids including vanilla yogurt with strawberry topping, “High Diving Veggies” (carrots, celery and cucumber), Apple Dunkers, Jell-O ®, “Spaghetti, Set, Go!” (spaghetti with marinara sauce), and pudding.
More significant is what Denny’s eliminated from the menu: Big Dipper French-Toastix™ (French toast sticks), hot dogs and “D-Fusion™” sugar beverage packets.
Yeah, yeah, I know McDonalds has apple slices in Happy Meals, but that’s just to get the food police off its back. Do you think they would ever eliminate French fries from Happy Meals? Sure, the same time when Ronald McDonald serves lunch at a PETA meeting.

It's here! It's here!

2009-08-19T15:05:00.002-04:00

It’s importance rivals Christmas or your birthday. The anticipation is unbearable. The kids ask every day: “Is it here yet?”
Yes, it’s the class list — a fat little packet of information that will guide your child’s social and academic life for the next nine months. Which friends are in the class? What school supplies are required? Which teacher will spend more time with your child than you?
Ours just arrived and the news is good.
One daughter is entering fourth grade. Last year, her best friend was not in her class. She wept on her bed. This year, they are together. Shouts of joy.
The other daughter is entering kindergarten. The names on the list are unfamiliar, but these are the future friends for possibly the next 12 years and beyond. She also was assigned her big sister’s kindergarten teacher, a beloved figure in our house.
More good news: The school nurse has all but banned Crocs and flip-flops again this year. This women is a hero.
As for the school supply list, has anyone ever heard of “Chair Sox”? Neither had I, but it was on the list. It’s four tennis balls sliced so they fit over the bottom of each chair leg. Why I have to buy these is beyond me. I don’t mind the pencils, Sharpies, glue, folders and binders. I figure I’m providing a well-behaved child who can read, use the bathroom and isn’t wearing a Juicy Couture mini-skirt. Can’t someone else get the Chair Sox?

What's wrong with this picture?

2009-08-13T13:39:00.002-04:00

Let’s see, you’ve got kids having a good time. Nothing wrong with that.
It’s a nice day. That’s great.
Everybody’s smiling. Cool.
Oh, wait. Now I see it. I think that’s Ronald McDonald leading a kids’ exercise class at a summer camp in West Haven. Which is like having Jon and Kate teach a class on getting along with your spouse.
Kid You Not has criticized McDonald’s for years for sending Ronald McDonald to libraries, schools and now summer camps to teach kids about stranger danger, reading, and of all things, fitness. Of course, McDonald’s doesn’t really care if kids read or lose weight. All it cares about is kids buying more french fries, soda and burgers.
Fast food is the worst thing you can give your kid. Many parents are now aware of this and are making an effort to have their kids eat more healthful foods. So having Ronald McDonald show up at your kid’s school or camp and undercut that effort is infuriating.
This camp had so many better options. Have a local karate or gymnast school do a fitness performance. But when the Connecticut and Western Massachusetts McDonald’s Owner/Operator Association with support from the Connecticut Library Consortium offers a free visit from Ronald McDonald, it’s an easy choice for a camp director.
The only place at a summer camp where Ronald McDonald should be is the outhouse.

A Chuck Norris joke

2009-08-12T13:58:00.001-04:00

Kid You Not rarely delves into politics, except for using exceptional diplomatic skills when one daughter ends up with slightly more ice cream and the other daughter starts acting like an insulted North Korean dictator.
But this health care town hall screamfest stuff is getting too crazy. Consider Chuck Norris’ column this week on “Obamacare.” Yes, the Chuck Norris. As in “Walker, Texas Ranger.” As in “The Octagon,” a totally awesome movie.
He writes: “Dirty secret No. 1 in Obamacare is about the government’s (sic) coming into homes and usurping parental rights over child care and delelopment.” He’s citing the House bill’s section on “home visitation programs for families with young children and families expecting children.” Then he starts down the path to loopy land: “Are we to assume the state’s mediators would understand every parent’s social or religious core values on parenting? Or would they teach some secular-progressive and religiously neutered version of parental values and wisdom? And if they were to consult and coach those who expect babies, would they ever decide circumstances to be not beneficial for the children and encourage abortions?”
Then I realized what he was railing about. Programs like Connecticut’s Birth To Three, which sends nurses and other experts to help new parents with issues like recognizing developmental delays in infants. Birth to Three and programs like it get some federal funding. It’s taxpayer money well spent. I know, because my wife and I qualified for Birth to Three benefits after our daughter was born premature nine years ago. The Birth To Three nurse came to our house, observed our daughter and talked to us about what to watch out for.
For Chuck Norris to imply that this is the same as “government agents” telling me how to raise my children is downright idiotic or an intentional attempt to whip up anti-goverment sentiment — which leads directly to what is happening at these town hall meetings. I understand the angry right hates Obama as much as the angry left hated George Bush, but crucial efforts like health care reform is not the same as starting a war.
The debate doesn’t need Chuck Norris’ bizarre rantings. I will now enjoy the scene in “Enter the Dragon” where Bruce Lee kicks Chuck Norris’ ass even more.

This is so a product endorsement

2009-08-11T14:03:00.000-04:00

Two of Kid You Not’s favorite things have been put together: IKEA’s EXPEDIT bookcase and helping underpriviledged kids learn.
For every EXPEDIT sold until Aug. 31st, IKEA will donate $5 to Save the Children’s Early Steps to School Success program.
There’s few things more useful in a house with kids than an EXPEDIT (IKEA’s got some sort of capital letters fetish). My family uses ours as a vertical toy box in the kids’ playroom. It keeps stuff off the floor, and if you use the plastic bins, you can store a shockingly large amount of stuff. In one bin, my daughters have stashed enough Barbies to populate a small city.
As for Save the Children, there are few organizations more dedicated to helping at-risk kids. When a natural disaster strikes halfway around the globe, the Westport-based agency is in the first wave of aid groups. Early Steps to School Success gives children in poor, rural areas access to quality early learning from birth to age 5. The program assists children with early language development, social and emotional development and equips parents with the skills and knowledge to support their child’s growth.
So go down to the big blue building here in New Haven and buy an EXPEDIT. And get yourself a $1 yogurt for being a nice person.

This is so not a product endorsement

2009-08-04T13:19:00.001-04:00

There’s been a lot of disturbing news lately: Big Papi, two long weeks until Mad Men starts, a tornado in Shelton. Nothing, however, compares to this: Snuggies for kids.
Here’s the press release: “Toys“R”Us stores are excited to embrace Snuggie for Kids as the newest addition to its family-friendly assortment of products. Over the past year, The Blanket with Sleeves™ has become a pop culture phenomenon and warmed its way into the hearts and vocabularies of Americans, 4 million of whom have gotten cozy on their couches with Snuggie. Now, the kid-sized version is conveniently available at Toys“R”Us stores nationwide.”
This is a sure sign of the apocalypse. Hey kids! Put your Snuggies on, the world is ending!

App happy

2009-07-14T14:37:00.002-04:00

I don’t have an iPhone, but going over this list from PCMag.com of top iPhone applications for parents is giving me second thoughts. The “find the nearest bathroom” app is genius.

- Shazam: This app is able to identify whatever song is playing in the background wherever you are; use it to snag a sound bite from that new Top 40 hit your child loves, and get the details on whether it is in line with your family’s listening standards.

- White Noise: Babies scream, toddlers pout, and parents can often lose their minds, White Noise is perfect for taking things down a notch.

- Kindle: One of the most exciting apps for the iPhone, Kindle lets you easily bring along most any book or magazine for you and your kids to enjoy on the go. Create your own family book club or read while stuck in a doctor’s office, a book of your choice or read to your child.

- GoodFoodNearYou: When you’re on the road with the kids, avoid the fast-food joint and replace it with the convenience of this app to help you find health-conscious dining choices. Input your location and it will return scads of sides, sandwiches, and suppers from every dining destination in the vicinity.

- AllRecipes.com Dinner Spinner: If the question is “What are we having for dinner?” this free AllRecipes.com-powered app will let you choose recipes based on main ingredients, what you have on hand, and how much time you can spare for food prep. Or let it randomly selected meal plan for you.

- Sit Or Squat: When a parent hears “I really gotta go!” finding the nearest bathroom has to happen fast. Using your current location it gives you the nearest options, stats on cleanliness, changing tables and handicap-accessible facilities—mark your favorite toilets for quick returns.

- AirMe: You no longer need to wait until you get home to start sharing photos from birthdays, sporting events or school plays. Use AirMe to upload instantly to Photobucket, TinyPic, Flickr, Facebook, Twitter, or Picasa without the hassle of file transfer or e-mail, and without the cost of an external gadget.

- myLite Flashlight: Never lose a pacifier in a dark movie theater again with this app that uses the screen to emit white light. This free app has a straightforward series of settings to control light color and brightness.

- Remember The Milk: This popular and effective list-making and task-management Web site, has a complementary mobile app free to the site’s paying members to help keep things sorted when you’re shuttling between work, home, and your family’s numerous appointments and activities.

- iTalk Recorder: This limited free download allows you to record and store numerous sound files for later use. Files upload easily to your PC via wireless transfer, enabling you to customize your own ringtone, preserve a special memory, or just remind yourself why you go to work each day.

Jon & Kate plus hate

2009-06-23T13:42:00.002-04:00

My extortionist cable company took away The Learning Channel last year because I wouldn’t give them more money, so I don’t get to watch “Jon & Kate plus 8.” I used to watch the show when it started, and it was like seeing an accident on the highway. You’re glad it’s not you pinned in the wreckage.
Parenting two kids is hard enough. I imagine raising eight is damn near impossible, under the best circumstances. So when mom and dad hit the rocks, the kids lose. What must it be like for the two older girls? Their mom and dad go on national television and announce their break up. Dad says “This is the hardest episode ever.” Mom says “The show must go on.” Message to kids: fame is more important than you.
As my wife and I raise our two daughters, we’re confronted with problems that need work. An issue at school. A problem with a friend. We try and handle the problem the best way we can and hopefully it doesn’t get worse. It’s the best any parent can do. A divorce and lust for fame and money probably means Jon and Kate will miss spotting some of these problems. So they’re going to get worse.
Then again, what the heck do I know? Television is fiction. Perhaps Jon and Kate have a handle on their kids and will provide an emotional foundation, despite the divorce and the appearance of a complete family disaster.
Let’s hope this reality show is not reality.

Torture, right here at home

2009-05-20T12:14:00.002-04:00

Don’t have sympathy for Colleen and Anthony Hauser. They could be the worst parents on earth.
The Minnesota couple has refused to allow their 13-year-old son to undergo chemotherapy treatment for Hodgkin’s lymphona, a highly-treatable form of cancer. They are citing their religious beliefs and are fighting a court order to turn their son over to doctors for treatment.
The couple follow that is called the Nemenhah Band. The Missouri-based religious group believes in natural healing methods advocated by some American Indians. That’s fine if we’re talking about a head cold. But Daniel Hauser is dying and needs immediate help.
There is no god, Indian or otherwise, who would instruct parents to let their child die slowly and painfully. As usual with religious fundamentals, this is all about their desire to feel omnipotent, even if it’s at the expense of a loved one. Their lives are worthless and a complete mess, so they turn to radical religious movements to feel empowered. Last year, a Wisconsin couple let their daughter die of treatable diabetes because they wanted to cure her through prayer. These fundamentalists, be they Christian, Muslim or Jew, are the worst. God is their addiction, the same as meth or crack. And everyone around them eventually suffers.
You can be sure that if Anthony Hauser got in a car crash and smashed his legs, he’d beg the ambulance to get him to the hospital faster. If Colleen Hauser ruptured a cyst, she’d race to the clinic. But they’ve brainwashed their son into saying he doesn’t want chemo.
So please don't buy their arguments about religious freedoms and government intrusion. They are torturing their son and it must stop.

You think you're a bad parent?

2009-05-06T13:33:00.001-04:00

Kid You Not held off on mentioning the Westchester County, N.Y. mom who recently kicked her bickering 10- and 11-year-old daughters out of the car and drove off because that’s hardly the worst example of bad parenting. After all, what parent hasn’t dreamed of doing the same thing to their annoying little snots, only to be held back by fear of ending up as a mugshot on Nancy Grace?
Kid You Not knew that in a short period of time, a real train wreck of a parenting decision would come along and make all us flawed moms and dads look like Mister Rogers. So here’s Kid You Not looking at his watch ... waiting ... waiting... waiting...Bingo!
First up, Dr. John Rosemond. He’s the parenting advice guru and Kid You Not has always been a big fan of his “I’m the boss” philosophy. This time he goes a little to far in trying to help a mom potty train her obstinate son. This is his point-by-point advice and I swear I am not making this up:
1. Stop talking to your son about using the potty. Don’t even ask “Do you want to try and poop in the potty today?” or other equally counterproductive questions.
2. Get rid of the diapers, pull-ups, and all associated things and resolve to never use them again.
3. Every day, right after your son eats a high fiber breakfast, gate him in the bathroom, naked from the waist down, and tell him his doctor said he has to stay there until he poops in the potty.
4. Don’t stay in the bathroom with him. Don’t offer incentives, or even encouragements. After putting him in the bathroom, make yourself scarce. Simply tell your son to call you when he poops or if he needs help.
5. Respond “coolly” to success, as if it’s no big deal. Say no more than “That’s good, you can come out now.” Do not give a reward or even lots of praise.
6. Gate him in the bathroom every day until he’s having regular bowel movements in the potty.
When this kid grows up to become a sexual deviant, I’m sure mom will say “Thanks, Dr. Rosemond!”
Next up, Todd Marcum, 41. of Salem, Oregon. He was arrested Tuesday for putting an electric dog collar on each of his four children and shocking them, according to the Associated Press. Marcum, 41, said he did it “because he thought it was funny,” Salem Police Lt. Dave Okada said. The four children, ages 3, 6, 8 and 9, had been shocked while wearing the collar at least once, according to a statement from their father, Okada said.
Marcum told police that he would chase the 3-year-old boy around with the collar, making him cry at the thought of being shocked. Okada said that because of the boy’s behavior, it is likely that the children were shocked more than once.
So the next time you agonize over not reading to your kid once a day, remember others have worked hard to make you look good.

Pope stands up for ugly kids

2009-04-22T15:36:00.001-04:00

The pope and I aren’t usually on the same wavelength (What the heck is wrong with condoms? Well, Mike, this is the pope speaking. When your daughter turns 16 and you find some in her backpack, you come talk to me), but I’m totally with the pontiff on this one.
Pope Benedict XVI this week sent word to the U.N. forum on race in Geneva that he’s ticked off about technology allowing parents to choose the genetic characteristics of their babies. He said this threatens to breen new forms of racism.
“The Holy See is also alarmed by the still latent temptation of eugenics that can be fueled by techniques of artificial procreation and the use of ‘superfluous embryos’,” Archbishop Silvano Tomasi, Vatican observer to the U.N. in Geneva said. “The possibility of choosing the color of the eyes or other physical characteristic of a child could lead to the creation of a ‘subcategory of human beings’ or the elimination of human beings that do not fulfill the characteristics predetermined by a given society.”
I can tell you why the pope feels strongly about this. If every kid is perfect, where will the next Susan Boyle come from?

Kid You Not, Inc. lays off child

2009-04-01T16:38:00.001-04:00

PRNEWSWIRE — Kid You Not, Inc. LLC (Nasdaq -30) announced Wednesday, April 1, the firm has engaged a downsizing stragety designed to move the company forward in a difficult economic climate.
“Kid You Not will be a more focused and stronger company with this move,” Chief Financial Officer Mike Foley said.
The four-person company will be strategically reduced to a three-person working unit. Foley said the company will now be able engage the market earlier, thanks to fewer disputes over underwear in the wrong employee’s drawer and misplaced information transportation devices.
The companies two top employees, including Foley, have received performance and retention bonuses that involve an earlier bedtime for the younger worker and more private time for senior employees. Job counseling services have been made available to the impacted employee, such as where to charge the DS and where to file for play date benefits.

Going green

2009-03-17T11:08:00.002-04:00

My kids, like all kids, love holidays. When they ask what Christmas or Easter is all about, most of us have an easy answer. St. Patrick’s Day is a little harder. Even for a 100 percent Irish fella like myself, I’m not totally up on the meanings behind the traditions.
One of my family’s favorite Web sites, National Geographic Kids, has all the answers in a special St. Patrick's Day project. Bookmark this site, if you haven’t. It’s wholesome, educational and entertaining.
And that's harder to find than a pot of gold.

Annoying goth kids are saving the economy

2009-03-12T14:10:00.004-04:00

Don't believe me? Then read this.

I'm a terrible parent, put me on TV

2009-03-12T11:56:00.001-04:00

In case you missed the story in today’s Register — you know, a daily newspaper where people get the kind of community news that will never appear on Twitter, Google, Drudge or any other impersonal digital hole that’s supposed to represent the media of the future — “Supernanny” is coming to Connecticut.
The reality parenting show is looking to cast some state families. I’ve watched “Supernanny” over the years for the same reason people slow down at car crashes: Thank God that’s not my family pinned in the wreckage.
I’m sure loads of people will try out for the show, anxious to prove to host Jo Frost what complete idiots they are and how they have absolutely no control over their little brats. What compels people to expose their deepest flaws to a national television audience? Is it a desire to have their parenting skills transformed and their family made whole? Or is it a desire to be reality TV famewhores?
I think you know the answer.
My advice to the tempted is to visit the show’s outstanding Web site for very effective parenting tips and keep your skeletons in the closet.

The incredible shrinking Thin Mint

2009-03-05T14:15:00.002-05:00

I just delivered Girl Scout cookies to my colleagues here at the Register on behalf of my daughter, but first had to apologize. Thin Mints, the most popular Girl Scout cookie by far, are thinner. Not the cookies themselves, the package. The box is about two inches smaller than in previous years. Those two hefty strips of tasty minty goodness inside the box are shorter. Basically, customers got fewer cookies for the same $4 price.
Here’s why, and it should come as no surprise. Michelle Tompkins, spokeswoman for Girl Scouts of the USA, told the Associated Press that steep rises in the costs of cocoa and flour, as well as rising transportation costs, contributed to about two fewer cookies in some boxes and to smaller-sized cookies in others.
“We had a weight reduction on a few varieties of cookies,” she said, adding it’s the first time in a decade the Girl Scouts have downsized the cookie weight in each box.
That may be true, but there’s no way just two Thin Mints were taken away. I’d estimate at least 10.
Here’s the good news: you won’t feel as guilty when you whorf down a whole strip while watching “30 Rock.”

Crazy eights

2009-02-11T15:52:00.001-05:00

I’m kind of sick of the octuplets story. I don’t agree with Nadya Suleman’s decision, but it’s her business. I just hope those kids are able to live a somewhat normal, healthful life.
The good news is Suleman finally has a job: begging for money. Check out her new Web site, which is exists for the sole reason of collecting free cash.

Was it cold in the the governor's mansion?

2009-02-03T10:21:00.002-05:00

There’s been some monumental lapses in judgement recently: the pope, Michael Phelps, Tom Daschle, the Cardinals secondary.
But I cannot trust our governor to lead us out of the state’s financial morass when she speaks to us while wearing what appears to be a Snuggie.

U-G-L-Y

2009-01-08T11:46:00.003-05:00

What do my 8-year-old daughter and Sasha Obama, 7, have in common? They’re ugly.
Into Ugly dolls, that is.
The media frenzy this week over the Obama daughters starting school revealed one important detail. Sasha has an Ugly doll attached to her backpack, just like my daughter. Sasha’s Ugly is named Babo’s Bird. My daughter’s is named Moxy.
In this crass world of commercialized toys and video games, Ugly dolls are beautiful. My daughter has full-sized Ugly named Chuckanucka, who has achieved rarified status is her life. It has been taken into her bed at night, along side her beloved cat, Zizay Badu.
So come January 20, when the world celebrates Sasha’s dad’s inauguration, my daughter and I will be celebrating all things Ugly.

10 records I liked in 2008

2008-12-30T12:38:00.003-05:00

I’m looking at my list and realizing there’s only one record here I actually went to a store and bought, and that includes Amazon. The rest were borrowed from friends and copied, given to me as copies or taken out from the library. Sorry about that, recording industry. But somehow, great music is reaching people. All the top 10 lists, such as my colleague Pat Ferrucci’s top 20 list, have fantastic choices. As always, I’m not qualified to be a critic. This is just stuff I like.

10. The Hold Steady “Stay Positive.” Not as good as “Boys and Girls in America,” but rocks hard and sounds good in the car.
9. REM “Accelerate.” They were lost in the woods for a while, but got back to basics, turned up the amps and stopped trying so hard.
8. iCarly soundtrack. Some filler, but plenty of catchy pop songs my family likes to sing along to. Kicks the Jonas Brothers’ ass.
7. N.E.R.D. “Seeing Sounds.” Genre-busting, funky, funny and weird.
6. Shelby Lynne “Just a Little Lovin’” Tribute album to Dusty Springfield was a quiet understatement during a noisy year. Perfect late-night record.
5. Nick Cave “Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!” Satan’s lounge act.
4. Portishead “Third.” When you go 11 years between records, it better be good. It is.
3. Ting Tings “We Started Nothing.” My kids love this record, with good reason. Catchy garage pop is always welcome at my house.
2. Raconteurs “Consolers of the Lonely.” Anything Jack White does is OK by me. Even James Bond themes.
1. Black Mountain “In the Future.” Heavy as a feather sonic assault. This is the record I shelled out cash for. Glad I did.
Just missed the cut: Kings of Leon, Black Keys, Vivian Girls, Supergrass, Paul Weller, Stereolab, Be Your Own Pet

To eat his own

2008-11-26T16:12:00.001-05:00

The kids watched “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” last night, which I consider one of the lesser Peanuts TV specials. There was an awful history-of-Thanksgiving Peanuts show on afterwards, which I’d never heard of and suspect was found under a desk at CBS headquarters. Kids today have no idea how good they have it when it comes to animantion. Hannah-Barbera dreck and terrible first-wave anime (sorry, Speed Racer, you don’t hold up) was the norm in the 1970s.
The kids found three things odd about “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”:
- At the end, the kids pile into the back of a station wagon, with no seatbelts or car seats. “That’s the way it was in 1973. Nobody had bike helmets, either,” I told them, their eyes wide with shock.
- “Is that a boy or a girl?,” my 8-year-old daughter said after watching Peppermint Patty. “Well....,” I said.
- My daughters, both vegetarians, where stunned when Woodstock — a bird — digs into the turkey.
Yes, that was kind of weird.

The Small Chairs (a drama in three acts)

2008-11-07T13:39:00.002-05:00

(NEWS ITEM: Barack and Michelle Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at their daughters’ Chicago school Friday morning.)

SCENE ONE: (The Obama house, early morning. Coffee is brewing. A shower is heard running. A slim man in a suit looks at a piece of paper stuck to the fridge by a Spongebob magnet.)

BARACK: “Holy &#%*! Honey, the teacher conference is this morning! We’re going to be late! Honey?”
(The shower shuts off)
MICHELLE: “What?”
BARACK: “The parent-teacher conference. It’s this morning.”
MICHELLE: “Oh my God! I’ll throw something on quick. Do you have time?”
BARACK: “Yeah. There’s a press conference and Angela Merkel is calling. It can wait. Let’s go. What’s her first name?”
MICHELLE: “Who?”
BARACK: “The teacher.”
MICHELLE: “Look in the guidebook. I think it’s Marsha or Marla something.”
(Michelle walks quickly out of the bedroom, wearing a baseball cap, running shoes and workout clothes. They walk out the front door, and voices over walkie-talkies are heard. Several seconds pass. Barack walks back in the house, enters the kitchen, turns off the coffee maker and leaves again. Fade to black.)

SCENE TWO: (A school hallway. There are lockers with nametags and artwork on bulletin boards. Barack is sitting on a small chair next to student desk, working a BlackBerry with his thumbs. Michelle is looking at the lockers.)
MICHELLE: “Here’s hers. Should I open it?”
BARACK: “I don’t know. I guess.”
(Michelle opens the locker)
MICHELLE: “Did you know she likes Zac Efron?”
BARACK: “Who?”
MICHELLE: “From High School Musical.”
(A very young woman opens a classroom door and looks into the hallway.)
TEACHER: “Oh. Hello! Please come in.”
MICHELLE: “Hi...Ms. Scott.”
TEACHER: “Please, call me Marna.”
(The teacher sits behind her desk. Barack and Michelle sit on two small chairs and move around, trying to get comfortable. Barack crosses his legs and kicks the desk in front of him. Michelle glances at him and touches his knee.)
TEACHER: “Sasha is a lovely girl. She’s a pleasure to have in the classroom. Here’s some recent artwork. And some writing.”
(Barack looks at the sheet of paper.)
BARACK: “She spelled ‘their’ wrong.”
MICHELLE: “How?”
BARACK: “T-H-E-R-E”
TEACHER: “At this stage, we’d rather have them concentrate on writing expressively and not worry too much about spelling.”
MICHELLE: “Are the other children....”
TEACHER: “We don’t like to compare...”
(The door to the classroom opens. A large man with a earpiece leans in the door and gestures toward Barack.)
BARACK: “Marla, I’m very sorry. But I think we have to go.”
TEACHER: “Of course. I understand.”
(The Obamas leave the classroom. Fade to black.)

SCENE THREE: (The front of the school. The Obamas wait on the steps and several people stand around them. A woman approaches with flowers. Michelle gestures her to them, takes the flowers and hugs the woman. The woman walks away. Michelle turns to Barack.)
MICHELLE: “Was that real?”
BARACK: “What?”
MICHELLE: “The agent.”
(Barack doesn’t respond. Seconds pass. Michelle takes his hand and smiles. Fade to black.)

Obama gets played

2008-11-05T18:17:00.001-05:00

President-elect Barack Obama’s first big decision had nothing to do with the economy or making cabinet appointments.
It was making sure his two daughters were happy. Because you what scares Obama more than being invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney? Two scorned girls on the warpath.
He could just picture it: Malia and Shasha waiting for him with their hands on their hips and scowls on their faces.
“You said we could get a puppy!”
“I did? When?”
“Daddy! You promised!”
So Obama did something a lot of politicians forget to do once they get elected. He kept a campaign promise.
Then the Obama girls played their best hand. No mutt or pound castoff for them. They want something called a “goldendoodle,” a hybrid purebreed that costs a bundle and probably will chew up the First Lady’s Manolos.
My 8-year-old daughter is trying the same scam.
“I’m asking Santa for a Nintendo DS.”
Santa. Yeah, right. I’m onto you, girl. I know you’re painting your father into a corner. I’ll probably cave, though.
I just expected more from my president. I hope he doesn’t roll over as fast when Russia asks for Azerbaijan.

First he kisses Bush, now this...

2008-10-08T14:35:00.001-04:00

That sound you just heard was Connecticut Democrats choking on their Au Bon Pain brioche sandwiches.

No, you can't be a sexy witch

2008-10-07T14:18:00.002-04:00

I love Halloween and always will. We decorate the yard with pumpkins, scarecrows and ghosts. My two daughters, age 8 and 4, always get excited. So when one of those Halloween costume catalogs came to the house the other day, I tossed it their way.
Big mistake.
The past week our conversations have been like this:
“Can I be this? (pointing to be what appears to be a stripper modeled after Hannah Montana)”
“No.”
“Can I be this? (pointing to Tinker Bell wearing what appears to be a napkin around her waist)”
“No way.”
“Can I be this? (pointing to some kind of weird hybrid of witch, goth chick at a Cure concert and prostitute)”
“Noooo.”
I guess the cute fairy and princess days are over.
Come Halloween night, the kids will be dressed appropriately (My oldest is leaning toward an alien. The 4-year-old was enamored of a giant candy corn) and ready to collect some loot. I just wish they were a little older and could go out with friends.
That way, mom and dad’s pirate costumes and sexy nurse outfits could be put to good use.

Obama just lost the Derby vote

2008-09-17T11:57:00.002-04:00

"I'm really happy to be here at Tailgators today. They got moose in Connecticut, right? Can we shoot 'em, or is that too cruel for all you Democrat wusses?"

Putting the vice in Vice President

2008-09-02T13:56:00.002-04:00

Everybody's all over GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin for having a pregnant 17-year-old daughter, going back to work three days after having a special-needs baby and a host of other stuff.
The thing that surprises me is she knew her unmarried daughter, Bristol, was pregnant when she accepted McCain's offer.
BRISTOL: "Thanks a lot, mom. Now everyone in the world knows I'm Alaska's Jamie Lynn Spears."
MOM: "Don't be so touchy. We'll sell the baby photos to the National Review."
The best thing about Sarah Palin is she gave her new baby the middle name "Van." As in Van Palin.
Gives new meaning to "Runnin' with the Devil."

Croc threat down!

2008-08-21T12:00:00.003-04:00

My daughter's elementary school has all but banned Crocs for the past two years. Usually, the principal sends out a pretty-please notice asking parents to stop sending their kids to school shod in Crocs, for safety reasons.
This year, the school is ramping up the anti-Croc offensive to nearly Russian invasion levels. The school nurse has sent a separate letter to parents telling them no Crocs and no flip-flops because kids are trippng in the hallways and the gymnasium.
Here's the conversation in every home where an elementary-age girl lives:
MOM: No Crocs or flip-flips, honey.
GIRL: Years from now, mom, when I'm a crack-addicted whore, you can point to this moment when it all started to go wrong.

This is happening in America?

2008-08-20T13:46:00.001-04:00

I know people from the South do a lot of things differently than us Northeasterners, but this is ridiculous.
Human Rights Watch and the ACLU released a study today that shows more than 200,000 children were spanked or paddled in U.S. schools during the past school year.
According to the report, corporal punishment in schools is legal in 21 U.S. states and is used frequently in 13: Missouri, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee and Florida, according to data received from the Office for Civil Rights at the U.S. Department of Education and cited in the report. The highest percentage of students receiving corporal punishment was in Mississippi, with 7.5 percent of students. The highest number was in Texas, with 48,197 students.
If a teacher hit my kid, I would press criminal charges. I’m pretty sure every other parent I know would do the same. Are parents in Mississippi so different that they would allow or condone their child being assaulted by an adult in a public school classroom? What teacher would want to hit a kid? Are they given special attack training? Go for the soft tissue and make sure they cry?
Let’s say I move to Texas and a teacher hits my kid for acting up in class. I’m going to be told: “You got a problem with the law, pardner?” I always figured our cultural differences ended with and appreciation for biscuits and gravy and NASCAR.
Shall we look at student test scores by geographic region?

Colleges to teens: Get wasted!

2008-08-19T16:41:00.002-04:00

It seems a bunch of colleges are throwing in the towel when it comes to drinking.
A group of college big wigs calling themselves the Amethyst Initiative wants the legal drinking age to be 18. They argue keeping the drinking age at 21 has created the binge drinking culture.
They have it all wrong. Being a college student created the binge drinking culture.
Think about it. If you could have bought booze legally in college, would you have bought more or less?
I went to Northeastern University in Boston, beginning in 1981, when the drinking age had just been increased to 19. The drinking age would increase yearly. It was a constant struggle for my friends and I to buy beer freshmen year and every year after that. The kid on your dorm floor with a good fake ID was king. If we could have simply walked to the packy and bought a six of Haffenreffer, we’d all be alcoholics today.
So along comes the Amethyst Initiative. (Amethyst, the group tells us, comes from Greek words meaning “not intoxicated.” College, reality tells us, comes from the Greek words meaning “bed spins.”) The colleges behind the initiative are places like Middlebury in Vermont, Dickenson and Arcadia. Check out the pictures on the Web site. It’s smiling young intellectuals socializing with glasses of wine and Champagne. Maybe that’s the way they drink at Arcadia. But an 18 year old at a real college who could drink legally would be poring beer down the funnel faster than Michael Phelps gets across a pool.
As the father of two daughters who are more than 10 years away from college, I’d like to the keep the drinking age right were it is. I realize they will probably want to drink. But let’s make it has hard as possible.

Horribly distasteful comment of the week

2008-08-13T12:16:00.002-04:00

ME: Isn't it lame China took that little girl singer out of the opening ceremonies because she wasn't cute enough and had another girl with better teeth lip sync?
THIS DUDE I KNOW: I can't tell the difference. They all look alike to me.

Disney gets goofy

2008-08-06T14:35:00.001-04:00

A corporation like Disney doesn’t become a multi-billion dollar behemoth by treating its customers like dirt. That’s what makes the company’s decision to cancel the Disney Music Block Party Tour without one word of explanation completely baffling.
The 23-date, nine-city tour of the United States and Canada was supposed to start this week at Rentschler Field in Hartford. Here’s how it was being pitched by Disney: “The Disney Music Block Party Tour is an engaging festival experience for the whole family incorporating live musical performances by They Might Be Giants, Imagination Movers, Dan Zanes, Ralph’s World, and Choo Choo Soul as well as multiple interactive activity areas focused on stimulating the imagination through music, arts, and play. Kids are encouraged to explore their inner superstar in a fun, kid-friendly environment.”
Sounds great. Sort of like a Kidpalooza.
My family wasn’t going, even though our personal favorite — Dan Zanes — was on the bill. But plenty of people showed up and were disappointed. Here’s what Channel 8 said: “Dozens of families found out that the show had suddenly been canceled as they pulled into the empty parking lot. People say they were still buying tickets online even up to an hour before what should have been show time.”
It’s true. The tour Web site is still active and there’s no mention of any shows being cancelled. So unless you got an e-mail from the artist, like we did from Dan Zanes, or you checked Tickemaster, there was no way of knowing Disney pulled the plug at the last moment. All that’s left is three shows at Nassau Coliseum on Long Island.
The big question is why. One act on the bill, Barenaked Ladies, was kicked off after a member got busted for drugs. The arrest made the news, but is that enough to scrap the whole tour? My guess is ticket sales tanked. This was a big, traveling circus type of show and was probably going to lose a bunch of money, even though tickets cost about $33 each. Plenty of families are making hard choices about where they spend their cash, and filling up the tank and spending more than $100 on a concert is probably low on a list of priorities.
But I’m sure lots of families made some sacrifices and were looking forward to the show. Disney mints money off of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers, so why not eat the costs and let the tour continue? Sure, Hannah or the Jonas Brothers on the bill would have meant instant sell outs and happy stockholders, but more people should know about Dan Zanes and They Might Be Giants.
Disney has let its fans down.

Heath: Actor or impersonator?

2008-07-22T13:47:00.004-04:00

What do “The Dark Knight” and “Space Chimps” have in common?
My kids won’t be seeing either.
I saw “The Dark Knight” last night. I’m not a big fan of superhero movies and this movie won’t change how I feel. I like dark, violent, foreboding films, but “Dark Knight” was a little too full of itself with the philosophical musings. (What is villianny? Are bad people heroes? Are good people villians? Why did this dude sit in the center of the aisle and get up, like, four times?)
One thing that can’t be argued is Heath Ledger’s performance. He was far and away the best thing in the movie. This man was an incredible talent. “Brokeback Mountain” is the best movie of the 00’s and his acting in that movie was monumental.
I just wish someone would acknowledge his inspiration for The Joker: Tom Waits. I’m sitting in the theater, watching The Joker doing his sardonic, growly, hipster, scat delivery and it dawns on me. Heath Ledger is doing Tom Waits the same way Johnny Depp did Keith Richards in “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Anyone who loves Tom Waits and has seen him live or on TV must recognize this.
Compare Heath and Tom. You tell me.
It can’t be a coincidence that Ledger’s final movie is “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus,” which also stars Tom Waits as the Devil. I can’t determine if filming overlapped with “Dark Knight,” but Ledger must be a Waits fan.
This is in no way a criticism. Ledger may have credited Waits, but we may never know. Ledger as “The Joker” will be remembered long after “The Dark Knight” is forgotton.
As for “Space Chimps,” that movie just looks stupid.

Saudi school textbooks: Still crazy!

2008-07-17T14:20:00.002-04:00

Two years ago, the Center for Religious Freedom spotlighted Saudi Arabian grade school textbooks, which were full of awful, hateful lessons about Jews, Christians and anyone who wasn’t an observant Muslim. The free world took notice and the Saudi ruling family said things will change.
It’s now 2008 and a new study by the Center shows nothing’s changed.
- First graders are still being taught that “every religion other than Islam is false,” and are being asked to “explain that when someone dies outside of Islam, hellfire is his fate.” That last one sounds a little like my Catholic catachism class, if you substitute the word “Islam” for “Jesus,” but at least it wasn’t being taught at my elementary school.
- Fifth graders learn that Jews conspire to “gain sole control over the world,” the Christian Crusades never ended, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion are historical fact, and on Judgement Day “the rocks or the trees” will call out to Muslims to kill Jews.
- Eighth graders learn that Jews “are the people of the Sabbath, whose young people God turned into apes, and whose old people God turned into swine to punish them.”
There’s page after page of this revolting stuff in the Center’s report, which can found here. It’s no wonder the 19 Sept. 11 terrorists were Saudis. How the Saudi ruling family can allow a fundalmentalist sect that perverts the Muslim faith into one of hate and intolerance such influence is beyond me. Yet President Bush literally holds hands with Saudi rulers.
One day, when oil does not dictate the United State’s every move, the backward Saudi society will slowly fester and die out, consumed by its own hate.

Thank-you card etiquette: Where do you stand?

2008-06-25T14:37:00.001-04:00

I love my kids’ birthday parties. We have them at the house, everybody runs arounds, plays, yells, eats and has a ball.
Then I look at the pile of gifts and a feeling of dread starts to build in my gut.
Presents mean thank-you cards. And thank-you cards mean constant emotional anguish in my house.
ME: “Have you written your thank-you cards yet?
8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: “SpongeBob is on.”
ME: “I’m throwing the TV out the window.”
8-YEAR-OLD-DAUGHTER: “Mommmmyyyy.”
There’s the problem. My wife, a very dedicated and loving mother, always insisted our daughter hand-make her thank-you cards. The Iraq war took less planning than hand-writing 25 thank-you cards. Um, that didn’t come out right.
There’s three catagories of thank-you cards:
1. Hand-made. Subtext: Look how caring and smart my child is.
2. Store-bought. Subtext: Look how caring my child is.
3. A new trend: e-mailed thank-yous. Subtext: Look how much SpongeBob my kid is watching right now.
This year, my wife caved and we went with store-bought. It still took days. Hopefully by next year, that e-mail trend will be what everyone does.

Just give me the damn toy!

2008-06-10T13:36:00.002-04:00

So I’m at the beach over the weekend with my 4-year-old daughter. She’s happily running through the sprinkler park and I’m trying not to spontaneously combust from the freakish heat.
She finds a small plastic figurine and brings it over. It appears to be an American Idol Happy Meal toy.
“Can I keep this?”
“No.”
“Why?”
Right then, I know it’s time to bring forth my fatherly wisdom and impart something so wise that she herself will tell her own children something her father told her so long ago.
“Honey, if you brought your favorite toy to the beach and accidentally forgot it, wouldn’t you be upset if someone took it?”
“I guess so,” she said, her eyes cast downward.
“So do you still want to keep this?”
“Yes!”

Can't stop the Croc

2008-05-28T14:55:00.001-04:00

The newspapers in my town (I don’t live in the Register’s circulation area) are missing a hot story.
My daughter’s elementary school has told kids to not wear Crocs and flip flops to school. With about two weeks to go before summer break and hot temperatures here, you might as well tell these kids not to breathe.
There’s a few really important things in an 8-year-old girl’s life: Hannah Montana, Crocs and those little things you stick into the Crocs. Everything else is just noise.
The bad news was delivered in the school’s Friday Flash newsletter. Flip flops and Crocs are prone to slipping off and are unsafe, the principal said.
“But Crocs have a back strap,” my daughter wailed.
I was tempted to tell her to fight the power, but she can wait a few years before letting the Chuck D in her emerge. Rules are rules, I said.
Much Croc-shod foot stomping ensued.

How do you spell 'shocked'?

2008-05-27T14:29:00.001-04:00

Hey, look at that. There’s two 8 year olds competing in the 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee. Gee, those kids must be real whizzes in the classroom. They’re competing against 13 and 14 year olds. That’s amazing! Let’s see, they’re 8, so that means they’re in the second grade...the same grade as my daughter. Who’s 8. Who still needs to be told to wipe her nose.
Oh, my God.
My daughter is actually a decent speller. She handles some tricky words like “because” well. She usually gets “check plus” or a “great job” sticker on her spelling tests.
Then she drops forehead slappers like this: “I rod my bike to the stor.”
WHAT I’M THINKING: No college tuition!
WHAT I’M SAYING: Look at the words, honey. What looks wrong? Read it back to yourself. What sounds wrong?
So the idea that Ranul R. Malayappan of Danbury and Sriram Jagapeesh of New York will be tossing around words like “perspicuity” and “pourparler” around like so many balloons is unfathomable.
I figure there’s two explanations: These kids have been looking at flash cards since they day they were born. Or, they’re just geniuses.
I like the genius explanation, because it’s easier to take if mom and dad are regular doofuses like the rest of us.
Meanwhile, I will have a pourparler with my daughter about her perspicuity.
Hey, look it up.

Middle schoolers gone wild

2008-05-16T14:08:00.004-04:00

After the Miley Cyrus controversy hit the news and pundits/bloggers actually caught fire because their mouths and fingers were moving so fast as they condemned the sexualization of young girls, there was a number of people whose message was: Get over it.
Just because some TV star isn't wearing a shirt doesn't mean every tweener is out there trying to make Paris Hilton look like Doris Day.
Oh, really?
Well, then this, this and this happened in one week.
Now you know why parents of young girls, like me, are freaking out.

Tooning out

2008-05-07T13:45:00.007-04:00

So it seems some college kids are getting baked and watching the extremely weird and strangely fascinating Yo Gabba Gabba cartoon show. Totally believable.
Here's some of the greatest drug-influenced cartoon shows (and one live action legend)ever:

Why, Miley, why?

2008-04-30T12:30:00.003-04:00

Here’s the rundown:
— Vanessa Hudgens, star of Disney’s High School Musical franchise: full frontal nude pics all over the Web.
— Jamie Lynn Spears, star of Nickelodeon’s hit how “Zoey 101”: unmarried and pregnant at age 16.
— Ashley Tisdale, another High School Musical star and cast member of Disney’s “Zack and Cody”: nose job.
And now, the biggest blow of them all:
— Miley Cyrus, mega-star of Disney’s Hannah Montana all sexed up in Vanity Fair magazine, posing without a top wrapped in a satin sheet, her hair damp and her soft gaze directed at the camera.
For parents, it’s like walking in a minefield.
For now, I’m able to avoid getting blown up. My daughters are 8 and 4 and I’m pretty sure they’re unaware of these scandals. And that’s good, because I like “Hannah Montana” and “High School Musical.” They’re decent shows with good humor and music and a wholesome message.
Miley Cyrus, in particular, is appealing. She’s funny, smart and projects a good image for kids like my daughters. It’s too bad she’s succumbed to the pressure to sexualize herself is some misguided effort to stay relevant as she gets older. Miley, for God’s sake, take a good look at Lindsay Lohan’s career. And if you think Disney is innocent, take a look at this.
Sometimes I wish it was the 1970’s. Female child stars in that era were almost tomboyish and had more going up upstairs without having to exploit the downstairs. I’m thinking Tatum O’Neal in “Paper Moon,” Jodi Foster in “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” and Kristy McNichol in “Family.”
Of course, I’m conveniently forgetting that Tatum and Kristy would make this movie in 1980. But those were roles played by actresses. How about a remake starring Jamie Lynn and Miley when they’re a little older?
Instead, some producer is dreaming right now of this: “Zack and Cody meet Zoey 101: Which One’s the Daddy?”

This can't possibly be true, Pt. 3

2008-04-29T15:59:00.002-04:00

It's getting hard to keep up with the Ivy League shenanigans.
How about this from gawker.com:

A Dartmouth lecturer is suing her class for discrimination, as she revealed in a series of regrettable and bizarre emails that promptly ended up all over Dartmouth blogs. Priya Venkatesan (Dartmouth '90, MS in Genetics, PhD in literature) emailed members of her Winter '08 Writing 5 class Saturday night to announce her intention to seek damages from them for their being mean to her. The email below:

Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2008 20:56:35
From: Priya Venkatesan
Subject: WRIT.005.17.18-WI08: Possible lawsuit

"Dear former class members of Science, Technology and Society:
I tried to send an email through my server but got undelivered messages. I regret to inform you that I am pursuing a lawsuit in which I am accusing some of you (whom shall go unmentioned in this email) of violating Title VII of anti-federal discrimination laws.
The feeling that I am getting from the outside world is that Dartmouth is considered a bigoted place, so this may not be news and I may be successful in this lawsuit. I am also writing a book detailing my eperiences as your instructor, which will "name names" so to speak. I have all of your evaluation and these will be reproduced in the book.
Have a nice day."

The details of the discrimination and harassment? Students didn't pay attention to her, complained about her to her boss, and accused her of not "accepting opinions contrary to her own" and said she would "lower the grades of students her disagreed with her."

It's not true

2008-04-17T17:57:00.002-04:00

The Yale Daily News story hit the Drudge Report Thursday and the *&%# really hit the fan. Yale officials put the screws to the abortion/performance artist and she admitted it was all a hoax.
What is true is the inclusive language committee at the Yale Divinity School would like everyone to say "Our parent who art in Heaven."

This can't possibly be true, Pt. 2

2008-04-17T10:51:00.002-04:00

And if it is, this woman really needs some professional help. Also, if Yale thesis advisors and art department officials signed off on this, no billion dollar endowment and best-and-the-brightest reputation is going to stop people from thinking Yale is the most morally bankrupt place on the face of the earth.

From the Yale Daily News 4/17/08:
Headline: For senior, abortion a medium for art, political discourse
Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself “as often as possible” while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body. But her project has already provoked more than just debate, inciting, for instance, outcry at a forum for fellow senior art majors held last week. And when told about Shvarts’ project, students on both ends of the abortion debate have expressed shock — saying the project does everything from violate moral code to trivialize abortion.

But Shvarts insists her concept was not designed for “shock value.”

“I hope it inspires some sort of discourse,” Shvarts said. “Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it’s not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone.”

What's that smell?

2008-04-16T15:28:00.005-04:00

This story reminds me of a scene from the movie "The Addams Family." Two Girl Scouts show up at the Addams' door and ask Christina Ricci if she wants to buy Girl Scout cookies.
"Are they made from real Girl Scouts?" she replies.

NEW YORK (AP) — Now at the grown-up fragrance counter — the scent of a baby.
Several perfumers are creating fragrances that try to capture what Americans think of as new baby smell, that aroma of baby powder and lotion that so readily conjures up memories of happy, peaceful newborn bliss.
That sweet, immediately recognizable scent can have elements of violet, cumarine and musk, says Delphine Jelk, of the fragrance lab and manufacturer Drom, and “when you smell it, you smell baby skin.”

So, how do you think they're getting that new baby smell?

Honey, the goal is that way

2008-04-09T13:36:00.002-04:00

Kid’s self-esteem is a big issue these days. Way back in the Pliocene era (the 1970s), when I was a kid, parents were not so much concerned with their kids’ self-esteem as they were concerned with hideous interior design choices like fake wood paneling and avocado-colored appliances.
So when it appeared early on (nursery school) that I was not headed for Harvard, I don’t think my parents agonized over the issue.
ME: I don’t get long division.
DAD: Uh-huh, help me with this paneling.
Nowadays, kids must be made to feel good about themselves. It’s led to the whole “trophies for everyone” style of child-rearing. In fact, the idea of self-esteem seems to be more important than actual achievement.
So, it kind of hurts to say this, but my 8-year-old daughter is an awful soccer player.
In my town, the kids start playing in the municipal soccer leagues in the first grade. Every spring and fall, the little kids take the field, run around and try to kick the ball into goalie-less nets. At first, ability is not an issue. The coaches teach the importance of practice and teamwork and no one gets singled out, either for good or bad play.
Then, in the second grade, it starts to become obvious which girls have some talent. They can run with the ball. They have a nose for the net and they don’t mind physical contact.
My daughter is not one of them. The thing is, she doesn’t quite realize it yet. I suppose it will sting the first time she’s kept on the bench and realizes some of the other girls are better than her. But I won’t complain to the coach. I certainly won’t be like this:
HER: Did I play good?
ME: No, you suck.
This spring season could be the last for her. She’s not in love with the game, doesn’t know who Mia Hamm is or sleep in her team jersey. She’s simply finding her way to some other activity, which perhaps she will excel at and achieve college scholarship glory.
OK, sweetie, here’s a hockey stick and some skates. Make your dad proud.

It's called torture

2008-03-27T14:02:00.002-04:00

I’m not a really religious guy. My family goes to church on Sunday and we try to live peaceful, decent lives. We’re good neighbors and I don’t drive 55 mph in the fast lane. My men’s hockey league doesn’t even allow checking. I figure all that gets me in good with God.
So why is it the most pious people are the most screwed up? This news about a Wisconsin couple who let their 11-year-old daughter die of diabetes because they figured prayer would cure her makes me really sad. For one month they watched her slowly die, as the treatable condition caused naseau, vomiting, excessive thirst, loss of appetite and weakness. They did nothing.
“our lives are in God’s hands. We know we did not do anything criminal. We know we did the best for our daughter we knew how to do,” the mother, Leilani Neumann, told the Associated Press.
They did the best for their daughter? The girl hadn’t been to a doctor since she was 3 years old.
This couple put their crackpot religious ideals ahead of their children. They are not people of faith, just lazy deadbeat criminals who need to have their three other children taken away quickly. You can be sure if dad had chest pains or mom sprained her ankle, they would be at the nearest clinic.
Fundamentalists, be they Christian, Muslim or Jew, are the worst. God is their addiction, the same as meth or crack. And everyone around them eventually suffers.
“Our lives are in God’s hands and whatever we go through we are just going to trust him,” the mother said. “We need healing. We are going through the healing process.”
Not your daughter. She’s dead, you killed her and God’s really pissed off.

(Ain’t nothin’ but a) Houseparty!

2008-03-18T15:29:00.003-04:00

No, not The J. Geils Band song. No, not that summer of ‘81 bash at Pete’s place where everybody got totally messed up and a dude threw up on the rug and ran around taking his clothes off.
I’m talking about my daughter’s 4th birthday party last weekend. At our house. With 20 kids. And collectible Scandanavian glass tantalyzingly close to little grasping fingers.
Call my wife and I crazy, but we like to have our kids’ birthdays at the house. Our oldest is turing 8, and all of her parties have been at the house. They’ve all been fun events and never resulted in a 911 call. But in our town, house birthday parties are the Desert Bandicoot of entertaining. In other words, extinct. Nobody does house parties because they pay college girls in sweat pants to supervise gym parties in giant, padded rooms. They rent an indoor soccer place and bring in a sheet cake and a few cheese pizzas.
Was Caitlin’s party at Build-A-Bear? No, that was Emma’s. Jacob’s party this weekend is at the ceramics place. Evan’s is at Chuck-E-Cheese. Once the kids hit preschool, parents seem to spend every weekend wandering from one party factory to another, like desert nomad child herders toting wrapped gifts with the receipt attached. The birthday party industry in my town is now bigger than Bear Stearns & Co. (Business idea: Build-A-Bear Stearns, with jelly bean bonuses and self-sticking layoff notices)
Parents, don’t be intimindated by the idea of a house birthday party. The biggest hassle is cleaning up. All my wife and I did is cook up a big batch of mac and cheese, mix a huge bowl of fruit salad and bake a nice cake. It was was princess party, so we bought a bunch of cheap princess hats for the girls and plastic knight’s helmets and tunics for the boys. There was pin the tail on the unicorn and since it was a half-decent day, we had an Easter egg hunt. It will pretty much be the same thing at my older daughter’s party next month, except we’ll rent one of those inflatable bouncy castles. It still ends up cheaper than a factory party and I think it's more memorable. One of my daughter’s friends even wore her helmet and tunic to preschool the next day.
It’s simple: Feed them and get them outside, so they can run around. Hopefully, they’ll keep their clothes on and not throw up on the rug.

This can't possibly be true

2008-03-12T15:34:00.002-04:00

Associated Press
NESS CITY, Kan. - Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.
Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.
“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”
Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.
“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”
He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
“And her reply would be, ‘Maybe tomorrow,”’ Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”
The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was “somewhat disoriented,” and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.
“She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.
She was taken to a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.
Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.
Police have declined to release the couple’s names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.
The case has been the buzz in Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.
“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” he said.
Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.
He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.
“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said of the bathroom incident. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.

I will not resign

2008-03-12T12:06:00.004-04:00

I have shamed my family. I have shamed myself.
It’s time to stop the lying. It’s time to be honest with those I love.
I stole my daughter’s allowance money. It was $18 she kept in her purse.
First, let me explain.
It was late at night. I was alone. A friend called and said he needed an extra player for his team’s hockey game tonight. I admit, I gave into temptation. I put my needs before the needs of my family. Men’s league hockey with other middle-aged round-around-middle dudes is, I admit, tawdry. The sweat, the communal showers. The physical contact. God, help me.
I rifled through my pockets for the $20 I needed to, um, complete the transaction. I found nothing. I panicked. I was already in to deep. Then I thought about my daughter’s cash.
She wouldn’t even know it was gone for a few days. She’s 8 years old. Her WebKinz cash is more important to her than a couple ten spots.
So I took it and I handed it over. And I played my game. Yes, it was arrogant. Yes, it was self-righteous. And it made my legs really sore.
I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m asking for understanding. Let me remain a good father. Let my family remember the good times.
And, hey, at least I wore protection.

What the person on the left may be thinking

2008-03-12T11:38:00.002-04:00

It’s either this: “Hmmm. I wonder if anyone knows how to reach Lorena Bobbitt?
Or a variation of this, from www.dontdatehimgirl.com founder Tasha Cunningham: “Too often men will cheat because there’s something he’s not getting in the bedroom. So you, as his wife or partner, are the one he turns to to fulfill those needs. Judging him when he tells you that he likes a certain sexual position because you don’t agree is a surefire way to drive him from your bedroom and into the arms of another woman.
“Remember, this is the man you love. There is nothing wrong with experimenting sexually with your mate to find out what pleases both of you. Men want to feel like they are in control and often, they use the opinions of women to validate how they feel about themselves. Make your man feel desired. Tell him often how handsome he is and do it frequently because if all he hears from you is criticism, he’ll feel bad about himself and surely find a woman who will sing his praises.
“Men in committed relationships are often bored by the routine of it all. They want the thrill of spontaneous sex, so make sure he has that with you and not another woman. Plan to surprise him with an afternoon lovemaking session, naughty text messages during work hours or sexy lingerie. These small things go a long way in keeping a marriage or relationship together.”
In other words, it’s the wife’s fault.

Lice 'n easy

2008-03-07T13:18:00.002-05:00

I can’t decide if this is weird or a really great idea:

OAKLAND, Calif. — It’s the (itching, burning) desire for a new feel — not a new look — that brings clients to NitPixies, a popular new hair salon in the Oakland, Calif., hills.
The head lice removal business, which opened this month, calls itself “a mom’s best friend.” It sells comfort and solace, along with the treatment, to mothers horrified by the blood-sucking parasite that has taken over their kids’ scalps. (Yes, the owners say, moms still seem to be the ones doing the brunt of the pest control.)
“It was amazing how desperately this community needed it,” said Melissa Shilliday, who started NitPixies with Dina Shields, a former teacher and fellow Rockridge, Calif., mom.
Lice infestations are an age-old problem for schools and families, and most parents still deal with them the old fashioned way: scrubbing their kids’ heads with chemical shampoos, combing out the parasites and eggs, and washing clothing and bedding until they’re gone.
But recently, high-end businesses with whimsical names, such as Hair Fairies in San Francisco and Love Bugs in Lafayette, Calif., have come to the rescue of parents — at least, to those who can afford it.
NitPixies is at least the third San Francisco Bay area salon of its kind to open since last April, and its owners are already looking for space in San Rafael, Calif.
For $100 an hour per head, NitPixies technicians in plastic caps comb through sections of hair, collecting small insects, living and dead, and white “nits,” or eggs. Then they spray an organic solution containing tea tree oil onto the scalp to stun the bugs and, hopefully, cause them to let go of the hair.

Cookie Monster

2008-03-07T13:08:00.002-05:00

The results are in. My 7-year-old daughter has triumphed in her quest to sell the most cookies in her Brownie troop. She’s Lara Croft and Joan of Arc combined, holding a sword high above the vanquished competitors as cheering townfolk clamor for her Thin Mints and Samoas.
She sold 138 boxes with a little help from cookie addicts at dad’s office. It was double what the next highest-seller in her troop sold, but it’s really not all that much. I’m sure there are troops that have cookie-selling strategy meetings, where the girls are threatened: Sell less than 250 boxes and your little brown vest will be stripped from your back and burned on the ground in front of you.
Most importantly, my daughter sold double what she told last year. That’s a good lesson for living in the United States. Always be closing. It’s Glengarry Glen Ross: “We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired.”
In fact, my daughter could be Alec Baldwin:
My daughter: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close &*$%, you are &*$%, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, ‘cause you are going out.
Rookie seller: The leads are weak.
My daughter: “The leads are weak.” The &%$*-ing leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business fifteen years...
Rookie seller: What’s your name?
My daughter: $%&* you. That’s my name.
Rookie seller: [laughs]
My daughter: You know why, mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight; I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name.
Only it’s not a Cadillac Eldorado for the daughter. It’s a $^&*-ing dog radio and a patch.

Horribly distasteful comment of the week

2008-02-07T14:09:00.001-05:00

FRIEND: What was Heath Ledger so depressed about?
ME: He just saw "A Knight's Tale" on TNT

Oh, Disney, you're so sly

2008-02-07T14:02:00.000-05:00

“Sold out. Sold out. Sold out.”
That’s what the recorded voice at Showcase Cinemas told me last weekend when I called to see if tickets to the Hannah Montana movie were available.
My nearly 8-year-old daughter is too young for the live concert scene, so there wasn’t much strife in our house over not being able to see Hannah Montana/Miley Cirus live on stage in Hartford in December. The show sold out instantly and ticket demand caused many to completely lose their minds, like this woman.
The announcement of a live concert movie, however, caught my daughter’s eye thanks to commercials that ran more frequently than Matthew McConaughy takes off his shirt.
Adding to the tension was the movie’s pitch: ONE WEEK ONLY!
Being a cynic and suspicious of everything, I knew Disney was playing us.
“There’s no way they’re going to let a guaranteed hit movie stay around for just one week,” I told my wife.
As it turned out, a really smart friend of ours bought a block of Hannah movie tickets ahead of time and invited our daughter. But that left our 4-year-old daughter feeling more forgotten than Sean Young. Don’t panic, I told my wife.
This week, miraculously, the movied was extended due to popular demand.
Disney, I played you. Both my kids will be happy without getting trapped by your manipulation machine. You may control my life, but it’s on my terms.

Funny, I don't remember these books looking like this

2008-01-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

Cookie update: Trefoils are just friends

2008-01-16T18:58:00.000-05:00

DAY TWO AND THREE: My daughter made her first attempt at selling cookies herself and walked around the neighborhood. The result: 18 boxes sold and $72 raised. Meanwhile, I’m still dealing crack, I mean cookies, to the addicts at work. Here’s the total so far: 79 boxes sold, $316 raised. My daughter already has earned the light-up compact mirror and is well on her way to the glitter backpack.
The breakdown: Thin Mints still kicking ass, 21 boxes. Samoas (18), Tag-alongs (14). Of the new flavors, Lemon Chalet Creme are in the lead, nine boxes. Nobody wants All Abouts or sugar-free chocolate chips. The problem with the sugar-free chocolate chips is there is no catchy name. How about Eat-The-Whole-Box?
The big surprise is the Trefoil. This is the flagship of the line, but it’s the worst seller so far: just three boxes. Trefoils are Commodore 64 to Thin Mints’ Wii.

Snow was promised, a slushie was delivered

2008-01-15T13:28:00.000-05:00

That collective groan you may have heard Monday morning was every kid in my town waking up, looking outside and realizing they had been totally screwed over. There was no six to eight inches of snow. There was no school cancellation. There was no pack of snow-booted grade schoolers plodding over to the sledding hill.
Parents, like me, had assured their kids that school was going to be cancelled and there would be plenty of snow to play in.
“See, the weatherman is showing snow graphics! Inch-depths! Commuter warnings!”
All our promises did was once again prove to our kids that we don’t know squat.
“Sure, dad, study hard and get into Yale.”
“You bet, mom, Jager shots and piercings are a bad idea.”

You know you want them

2008-01-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

That’s right, it’s Girl Scout cookie time. My daughter, who sold the most boxes in her troop last year, is going strong out of the gate. I’ll be tracking sales daily and posting totals here, because I know there’s only so much news about pregant celebs to keep you busy. Will she top last year’s totals? The tension is unbearable. “24” has been delayed because of the writer’s strike, so get your cliffhanger fix right here.
DAY ONE: Ka-ching! Good father that I am, I brought the order form to work. My colleagues are like voracious ants. Boxes sold: 40. Cash earned: $160. Most popular: Thin Mints (12), Tagalongs (9). Least popular: All-Abouts (1)

Driving parents nuts, 1978 style

2008-01-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

So I’m at the library with the kids, and of course they’re making Britney Spears and the San Francisco zoo tiger look well-behaved by comparison.
Therefore, I only have a few precious seconds to flip through the CD stacks for good records I’m too cheap to buy. (Oooh, Ryan Adams. Hello, Hold Steady.) That’s when my hand comes to rest on something so shocking, so brutally nostalgic that I quickly look around to make sure no one has seen me linger on this record.
Ted Nugent. Double Live Gonzo.
Two thoughts enter my head. “What is this doing in a place of learning?” and “God, I loved this album.”
So I don’t care if somebody sees me. I’m borrowing this record. My original vinyl copy is long gone, tossed after bands like The Clash and Gang of Four made Ted Nugent seem hopelessly lame. Also long gone, three other icons of the 70’s double live oeuvre: Kiss Alive, Frampton Comes Alive and Sknyrd’s One More From the Road. (I still have The Tubes’ What Do You Want From Live”)
Later that day, for the first time in nearly 30 years, I put “Double Live Gonzo” on my stereo. Suddenly it’s 1978 and I’m in my bedroom, cranking up the volume. How did my parents put up with this? Ted screaming “Anybody wants to get even a little bit mellow can get the &*%# outta here!” and “This is for all that fine Nashville %^&*#”
It makes me realize how little leverage I have as a parent when my daughters start listening to gangster rap or some other awful genre that hasn’t been invented yet. I listened — no, reveled in — the worst of the worst. Worst, as in best. And I turned out alright. Sort of.
I now have to return “Double Live Gonzo” but two impressions will stay with me. Some band should cover “Great White Buffalo.” And right now, thanks to the USA Patriot Act, the federal government knows I borrowed DLG from the library. And to them I say, “Yank Me, Crank Me!”

Webkinz is crashing!

2007-12-26T16:27:00.000-05:00

Panic! Every girl between the ages of 3 and 10, including my daughters, is trying to register the new Webkinz they got for Christmas today. The Web site is crashing faster than cars on I-95 after an inch of snow.
Webkinz is the answer to a dad’s dream: Cheap, wholesome entertainment. Here’s the Christmas gift rundown in the Kid You Not household: three Webkinz and a boatload of nearly new Barbie stuff scored by my wife off Freecycle. Total cost: $30. And the kids are none the wiser.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

10 records I liked in 2007

2007-12-26T16:22:00.000-05:00

This isn’t a “10 best” list. I’m not qualified to say what’s best. I’ll leave that to the professionals, like my esteemed colleague Pat Ferrucci. He does a “Top 20” list. Dude!
10. “Going Way Out With Heavy Trash” by Heavy Trash: Me and about ten people saw Jon Spencer play with his new band, Heavy Trash, at Cafe Nine last fall. It was everything that used to be great about rock n’ roll.
9. “The Hair, the TV, the Baby and the Band” by Imperial Teen: Fun, poppy, punky, sometimes dark. My kids like the song “Sweet Potato.”
8. “Soap and Water” by Chuck Prophet: He should be a star, like Tom Petty. Because he’s better.
7. “Out of the Woods” by Tracey Thorn: Shockingly, this record by the Everthing But The Girl singer turned up on Kalefah Sennah’s Top 10 list for the NY Times. Sennah’s the guy who praises all those awful rap records about pimpin’, dealin’ and shootin’ because the NY Times has a lot of guilt issues.
6. “Rock en Espanol, Vol. 1” Los Straightjackets: A tex/mex/surf rave up of classic covers.
5. High School Musical 2: I play this record in my car a lot. Even when the kids aren’t in the back seat.
4. “Kala” M.I.A: Kalefa Sennah probably likes this record. With good reason. Lots of crazy beats. Another favorite of my kids’.
3. “Because of the Times” by Kings of Leon: The second best band on the planet.
2. “At My Age” by Nick Lowe: Wry. bitter, sublime tales of aging. Not that I can relate to that.
1. “Icky Thump” by White Stripes. The best band on the planet.
On shuffle: Grinderman, Hives, Of Montreal, Pierces, Jens Lekman, Ryan Adams.

Snow job

2007-12-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

8:17 a.m. “Look at the time! Get dressed! You’ll miss the bus!”
“Where’s mom?”
“She’s still at the gym. She’s running late.”
8:20 a.m. “What about my lunch?’”
“OK, you can get the lunch alternative today. Get the bagel plate.”
“Did you sign my homework sheet?”
“Yeah, hurry up. We have to do your hair.”
8:25 a.m. “Come on, let’s go. Do you have your gloves and mittens?”
“What about (still sleeping 3-year-old sister)?”
“I’m going to walk you to the mailbox and (neighbor with kids) can watch you at the bus stop. I don’t think I’ll get arrested.”
8:30 a.m. (Father and daughter begin walking. Mom’s car rounds the corner, slows down and window lowers)
8:31 a.m. “What are you guys doing? School's cancelled.”

McDonalds gets an 'F'

2007-12-12T16:09:00.000-05:00

Wow. I knew McDonalds was shameless in its attempts to put its brand in front of unsuspecting kids and undermine parental authority. For years, local McDonalds owners have been sending a guy dressed up as Ronald McDonald to local schools and libraries to talk about reading, personal safety and even physical fitness. The topic doesn’t really matter, it’s just a way to get kids into a restaurant that serves the worst food you could possibly serve to growing children.
Now comes news that McDonalds in Seminole, Fla. is advertising on report card envelopes of 27,000 elementary school kids. Get an “A” and get a free Happy Meal, the ad states.
Concerned parents should be angry for two reasons: First, mom and dad decide if there’s going to be a reward for good grades, not some corporate marketer who stays up late thinking of ways to reach the 4 percent of kids who don’t recognize the McDonalds’ logo. Second, many schools are including more healthful foods on menus and many parents want to improve their kids’ diet. McDonalds undermines each effort.
What’s the big deal, many may say. Happy Meals now come with apples and milk. That’s just a crass way for McDonalds to get some cover when the food police come calling. “We serve heathful food, see? Would you like fries with that?”
In reality, McDonalds is devious and manipulative. The company once promised that it would promote only healthful options for kids under 12 and it would have no ads in elementary schools. What do you call paying $1,600 to print up the envelopes with a likeness of Ronald McDonald? It’s called advertising. The Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood agrees.
The schools have to take much of the blame. It’s easy for a school superintendent to accept the offer of a visit from Ronald McDonald. It’s free and there’s no work involved.How about a better option if the school has a rewards program: tickets to a baseball game, a museum or the zoo.
Anything but McDonalds.

Godspeed, Evel

2007-11-30T17:43:00.000-05:00

It's 1974. We're all out on Henry Drive, dragging cinder blocks and sheets of plywood pilfered from some house under construction into the middle of the street.
We prop the plywood up with the cinder blocks. We climb on our Schwinn Orange Crushes and Lemon Crates and pedal full speed at the ramp.
The bikes go airborn and come down on the front wheel about two feet from the ramp. Our crotches slam into the handlebars and somewhere Evel Knievel is laughing.

U.S News & World Report to Connecticut: You suck!

2007-11-30T17:41:00.000-05:00

Just what the world needs, another list of top high schools. First was Newsweek, with the top 1,200 high schools. Now U.S. News & World Report, which almost singlehandedly caused the “get into one of these 20 colleges or just go smoke crack and live in a homeless shelter now” frenzy, has released the top 100 “Gold” schools.
Not a single Connecticut school made the cut. Not Madison, Guilford, Amity, Darien, Greenwich or Avon. Zippo.
Of the 405 “Silver” schools, one Greater New Haven school is on the list: Madison’s Hand H.S. As the philospher Dale Earnhardt once said “Second place is the just the first place loser.”
There were 1,086 “Bronze” schools. Cooperative and Hill Regional high schools in New Haven represented Greater New Haven.
I guess there’s something to be learned from these lists. Take more AP classes, Study harder. Don’t read U.S. News & World Report. Stay off crack.

Horribly distasteful comment of the week

2007-11-30T12:29:00.000-05:00

CO-WORKER: I wonder what Kevin DuBrow died from?
ME: Shame

Charlie Brown is shrinking

2007-11-28T13:36:00.000-05:00

I finally have proof of something that has bothered me for years. Like any other American over the age of 40, I grew up watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” a cultural touchstone more important during my childhood than oxygen. Just saying the words “large Eastern syndicate,” gives me flashbacks to the rec rooms and console TVs of the early 1970s.
I’ve had the nagging feeling that little bits of the show have been snipped out to make way for more commercials, but I was never able to say for sure what scenes had been deleted.
So last night, my two daughters and I settle down and get ready to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” on ABC. By chance, my wife had gotten a stack of tapes and DVDs at the library, including an old VHS copy of “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Were about 10 minutes into the ABC broadcast and there’s too many commercials, so I suggest watching the VHS tape instead. We pop it in and start watching the first 10 minutes again.
And there it was. The lost scene.
It’s when the gang is throwing snowballs at a tin can on a fence. They repeatedly miss, until Linus uses his blanket as a slingshot and nails the can. That scene was missing from the ABC broadcast we had just watched. Was it a crucial part of the show? Many would say no. I say every second of the show is crucial or else Charles Schulz wouldn’t have written it.
So, listen up ABC, next year show “A Charlie Brown Christmas: Uncut and Unrated.” Ratings will skyrocket.
And another thing, Fig Newtons were bigger when I was a kid. If I could only prove it.

New site, same old crappy blog

2007-11-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

In honor of the Register’s fantastic new Web site, I’m back to posting the same kind of witty, um, witticisms you’ve come to expect over the years. Like this:
Apparently, the Brainy McBrainiacs over at Yale have discovered something that Simpsons fans have known all along: “Even infants can tell the difference between naughty and nice playmates, and know which to choose, a new study finds. Babies as young as 6 to 10 months old showed crucial social judging skills before they could talk, according to a study by researchers at Yale University’s Infant Cognition Center published in Thursday’s journal Nature.”
How else to explain baby Maggie’s visceral repulsion at the sight of Gerald, her monobrowed nemesis? In fact, the Infant Cognition Center staff was probably sitting around watching old Simpsons episodes when inspiration struck. And now they’re all on a tenure track. D’oh!

Protesters, stay away from my kids

2007-10-25T17:11:00.001-04:00

I’m taking the kids to the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus this weekend in Bridgeport, which brings back memories of the time I nearly slugged an animal rights protester.
It was years ago, when my 7-year-old daughter was just a toddler and going to her first circus. I wasn’t expecting an aggressive woman to rush up to us and start shouting. I’m sorry to say, my reaction to say quietly “get the %&$% out of my face.” I immediately turned away and went into the arena, ashamed of my immature words.
So here we go again. The publicity-craving protesters will be out in force this weekend with their bullhorns and gruesome signs. Thankfully, they will be behind barricades. When they yell at my family, will they know my two daughters have never eaten a bite of meat in their lives? Will they know my wife has been a vegetarian for more than 20 years?
I expect that in a few years, my older daughter will object to circuses that feature animals. But until that time, I want her to enjoy the show. I don’t want someone confusing and scaring her about issues she is not yet able to fully understand.
Many activists are challenging the barricades rule. Here’s what one told the Connecticut Post: “We form a long line because people have to go through security. That way, we can have a meaningful exchange of ideas. People ask questions and children ask why we are sad. We say it’s because of the way animals are treated. You can’t have a meaningful conversation 50 to 100 feet away.”
I don’t want this guy to have any exchange with my kids, meaningful or otherwise.
Stay behind your barricade, or better yet, stick to the animal testing labs or slaughterhouses. How do I know these extremists aren’t capable of violence? It’s enough to make anyone swear.

Who's to blame?

2007-10-09T18:01:00.000-04:00

In the five days since three teenagers died in a car crash in Wolcott, feelings have shifted from shock to blame. For proof, read the raw emotion on display in the WTNH blogs.
There’s plenty of blame to go around.
First, the driver. A 17-year-old obsessed with speed, with a history of underage drinking and poor driving skills directly causes the deaths of two innocent girls — one, his 14-year-old sister.
Second, the state. A bizarre and hard-to-understand loophole in the law allowed the driver to get his license back in three months instead of six after a DUI conviction because he didn’t take a Breathalyzer.
Lastly, the driver’s parents. This is a hard one. No one wants to make their pain any worse, but lessons need to be learned — for young people and parents. To allow their son to drive after a DUI, traffic infractions and crashing at least four vehicles is negligence. They are paying a price to steep to even imagine.
Unfortunately, it comes down to the parents. The 17-year-old, as evidenced by his actions, is too immature to make the correct decisions. The state fails repeatedly when it comes to public safety. Loose parole regulations helped get a Cheshire family slaughtered. Politicians are good at reacting to disaster, not preventing it.
So we are left with the parents. Raising children is a constant struggle. Did I make the right call? Did I do the right thing? We second guess ourselves constantly and try and learn from our mistakes. But in the end, it is our responsibility to remain in control of our young childrens’ lives. We try and steer them in the right directions and hope we have given them the tools to be decent adults.
Parents often say they are willing to give in on some things. A piercing? A cell phone? Is that a battle you’re willing to lose, so when the real challenge arrives, you’ll fight to win?
There was a battle to be fought between Anthony Apruzzese and his parents. A drunk driving charge, crashes and constant reckless behavior meant it was time for his parents to fight their son for his own and other’s sake.
From the facts of the case, it appears they didn’t even try.

Speed kills, again

2007-10-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

Take a good look at the people in this photo, taken today by the Hartford Courant.
This husband and wife just learned their 15-year-old daughter had been killed in a high-speed car crash in Wolcott. If you have kids who are new drivers, show them this picture. Make them understand that this couple just died a little bit. Make them understand the anquish will never go away and will extend like horrible tendrils through many lives for many years.
The Wolcott crash today also killed the 17-year-old driver and his 14-year-old sister. Just try and imagine what that family is feeling. The driver made a rookie mistake. He tried to pass a vehicle turning into a parking lot and drove into the path of an oncoming truck.
Police said the driver was speeding. Of course he was. Young people driving fast is part of our culture now. They are aided and abetted by car companies that emphasize racy performance and parents who seem to have no problem buying their children cars they don’t know how to properly drive.
Recently in Bristol, four teenage lives were snuffed out in an instant is an eerily similar crash, right down to the kind of car being driven by the inexperienced driver. This carnage has got to stop. It appears the driver was charged with DUI earlier this year. He already had his license back. This is madness. Raise the driving age to 18. Enforce speed limits and take away licenses.
Who would support such things? Take a good look at this photo.

Britney, you can have my kid

2007-10-02T14:19:00.000-04:00

My 3-year-old daughter is learning the fine art of manipulation.
Here’s an example. The other night, she woke up crying and said her throat hurt. This was a little out of character, so of course my wife and I completely overreacted. We coddled, comforted, swathed, cuddled and fussed over her for the next day. Whatever she wanted, she got.
She was fine the next night and things were back to normal.
Until, two days later, I told her to help me clean up the dress-up clothes she left on the playroom floor.
“Noooo,” she whined.
“You better help me, or all this stuff gets put away for good.”
“But if I do, my throat will hurt.”
Oh, you are wise, little one. Very wise.

Ask a silly question

2007-09-27T14:22:00.000-04:00

About a year ago, I spotted a notice on a blog about a New York Times editor who needed help writing a book. His idea was to take all the silly questions kids ask and get real answers from experts. He was asking people to e-mail him some of their kids’ questions.
My daughter had recently asked me “Why do they call it soccer? Because they wear socks?” I promptly sent in the question and got an e-mail back thanking me and saying it might be in the book.
Well, Wendell Jamieson has just published “Father Knows Less, or: Can I Cook My Sister?” It’s gotten good reviews and Jamieson recently appeared at R.J. Julia’s Booksellers in Madison. Of course, I was curious if my daughter’s question made the cut.
I was in Borders recently with my 3- and 7-year old daughters, and they were less well-behaved than the “Don’t tase me, bro” guy. I could only quickly flip through the book and didn’t see anything about soccer. No matter, it’s still a good book and here’s to a newspaper guy making some coin, but he’s got a ways to go before he reaches Yale levels.
As for my daughter’s question, it’s something about football clubs in 19th century England being called “associations.”

Crib dangers

2007-09-21T17:07:00.000-04:00

From the AP:
WASHINGTON — About 1 million Simplicity and Graco cribs are being recalled after three children became entrapped in their cribs and died of suffocation, the Consumer Product Safety Commission said Friday.
Two infants, a 6-month-old and a 9-month-old, died in the recalled cribs, which were sold through May 2007. A 1-year-old child died in a newer model of the cribs, which has not been recalled but is being investigated by the safety agency, CPSC officials said.
CPSC spokesman Ed Kang would not comment on when or where the children died. Simplicity spokesman Joe Householder said the company will not release further details about the deaths out of respect for the families.
In all three deaths, the consumer had installed the drop-rail side of the crib upside down, the CPSC said. This creates a gap in the crib that children can slide into and suffocate.

It’s been a couple years since a crib was in the Kid You Not household, but I remember vividly how frustrating it was to set the damn thing up. There were little screws, springs, metal bars, spacers and confusing instructions. One little misstep and the whole thing didn’t work. And for what? A side that drops down six inches? I don’t think my wife and I ever used the mechanism once.
I’m not surprised at all that people have installed the drop-rail upside down. This is a classic example of bad design leading to bad things. The drop-rail style probably hasn’t changed in generations. Crib manufacturers: hire some new product designers.

I'm here for you, Britney

2007-09-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

I’m going to do Britney Spears a favor.
A judge on Tuesday suggested she hire a parenting coach, citing her history of boozing it up in nightclubs and neglecting her two kids. Tuesday night, Britney promptly boozed it up at a nightclub and neglected her kids. Parent coaching is apparently some kind of industry, judging from the 2,280,000 entries one gets when Googling “parenting coach.” It’s as if a bunch of people suddenly woke up and said “Where the heck did this baby come from?”
I am offering my services, free of charge. I just returned from a week as a stay-at-home dad to pre-schooler and a second-grader, which gives me a unique perspective and an overpowering urge to take hard drugs.
It’s not hard to have fun with your kids. For instance, the highlight of my week with the kids was a late summer trip to the beach. The air was crisp, ripples of saltly surf lapped at the shore and the rats were fighting. We walked out to the end of a fishing pier, which give us a good view of a rock jetty and a swarm of rats. The rats darted in and out of the rocks, some engaged in a tug of war over a scrap of fish.
The kids, for some reason, loved it.
“Dad, you know what my favorite animals are?” my older daugher asked the next day. “Ocelots and rats.”
Another good idea: long hikes in the woods. The kind of late afternooon hikes where the kids’ legs are aching and all they want to do is get to bed early. I love those kinds of hikes.
So there you go, Britney. Parenting isn’t hard, it just takes creativity and guidance. For instance, rats are OK. Ratt isn’t.

Dear Ethical Parent

2007-09-06T13:47:00.000-04:00

Q. Is it wrong to grab some spare change from your daughter’s allowance money so you can get a snack at work? How about the money she needs for a math class assignment? I’m really feeling guilty.
A. The Ethical Parent says don’t beat yourself up. After the bills are paid, groceries are bought and preschool tuition is pried from your dusty bank account, cash around the house is harder to find than someone who’s happy they bought an iPhone 15 days ago. Also, don’t try and turn this into a life-lesson-from-a-responsible-parent. Just hope she doesn’t notice and replace the cash after you root around in your wife’s pocketbook. Now go watch some football!

Suspicious minds

2007-09-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

This e-mail arrived the other day: “Many parents lay awake at night wondering whether their kids are making the right decisions when not with them. Confirm Biosciences based in San Diego is putting the control back in parents’ hands. With the new HairConfirm product, a new at home package allows parents to take a hair sample from their kids and find out within 24-48 hours whether or not their kids are drug-free. It can detect drug use as well as usage frequency for up to 90 days. It is also the first offering of its kind to provide a detailed report the amount of each chemical detected as well as results indicating the ranges typically found in recreational, daily/weekend and constant users.”
Not having a rebellious, pot-smoking child just yet, just a daughter whose idea of an illicit substance is bubblegum Trident, this seems rather drastic. What does it say about your parenting abilities that you can’t figure out if your kid is a stoner? Here’s a quick test: Does your teen have a copy of Foghat Live? Yes? He’s smoking pot.
Think about all the other ways to spy on your kids: a device that attaches secretly to your car that records speeds and locations. Hidden software that records every key stroke on their computer.
I suspect the solution is being an involved parent, not Big Brother.

School: It can't come too early

2007-08-31T14:30:00.000-04:00

Fellow Register blogger Randall Beach has clearly lost his mind. He writes that he and his teenage daughters lament the start of school, and wish for a few more carefree days.
Randy is obviously living in crazytown.
At my house, the start of school is Christmas, Halloween and your birthday wrapped into one fantastic day. Late August prior to the start of school is worse than hearing Britney Spears has a new song out. Vacations are over, day camps are done and everybody is getting on everybody’s one remaining nerve.
So what’s better than two bags of Cheetos falling from the vending machine after you paid for one? The first day of school. Our 7-year-old daughter is a refocused second-grader, no longer dependant on mom and dad every waking moment.
My wife and I were seriously considering putting a backpack on our precocious 3-year-old daughter and having her join the scrum at the bus stop and then wander around big sister’s school. She kind of looks like a kindergartner, so what’s the harm?
A state senator from Meriden wants to pass a law requiring schools to start after Labor Day. This is the worst idea from a politican since Sen. Larry Craig decided to use the men’s room.
I say start school in mid-August and end school earlier. My daughter’s last class this year was June 23. July 4th was the following week, so summer already seemed half over.
Let Randy mourn the end of summer. I’ll be too busy celebrating my favorite holiday — First Day of School.

Bigger threat: Bin Laden or baggy pants?

2007-08-28T16:56:00.000-04:00

Even Miss Teen South Carolina knows baggy pants are silly. About the only thing sillier is a law banning them. Stratford came oh-so-close to that recently, before someone slapped the town council upside the head and convinced them to reject Councilman Alvin O’Neal’s goofy idea.
O’Neal said many elderly people had complained about the sight of kids in their baggy pants.
Let’s perform a handy translation service here.
What an elderly person says: “Those baggy pants are offensive.”
What an elderly person means: “Why can’t it be like 1957 when all these black boys knew their place?”
I would be willing to pass a law against white kids dressing this way, like the kid shown here. Idiots like this should be on death row.

Speed kills

2007-08-28T16:05:00.000-04:00

My oldest daughter is only 7, but my wife and I had a serious discussion the other night about kids and cars. It was prompted by the horrendous crash in Bristol last week that killed four teens. The mayor of Bristol told a heartbreaking story of burying his young child after a five-year struggle with leukemia. He said at least he had time to prepare for his son’s death. He said he didn’t know how he would deal with a middle-of-the-night phone call.
In recent years, I’ve noticed a threat on highways and roads that’s as deadly as drunk driving. There is a culture of speeding among today’s teenagers, aided and abetted by stupid parents who put zippy $30,000 sports cars in the hands of young drivers. Highways are NASCAR race tracks. Neighborhood streets are 60 mph speed zones. Police crackdowns on speeding are half-hearted and infrequent. The highly publicized “click it or ticket” campaign stinks of defeatism: we don’t care if you speed, just wear a seatbelt so you don’t get too hurt when you plow into a minivan.
For some reason, my daughter frequently asks me when we’re in the car:
“Daddy, are you a fast driver?”
“No, I’m medium. Not too fast, not too slow.”
I hope that message gets through to her because nine years are going to go by fast and she’ll be wanting that driver’s license. Hopefully by then, we’ll let kids vote at 16 but not drive until they’re 18.

4 out of 5 girls can't be wrong

2007-08-22T18:18:00.000-04:00

If you were a girl between the age of 6 and 11, you were watching the premier of High School Musical 2 last Friday night. The Disney phenomenon was watched by 17 million people, a new record for basic-cable viewership. Four of every five girls between 6 and 11 who watched TV that night watched HSM2.
My daughter, 7, of course, watched every second. She went to a HSM2 party, where I’m told there was much screaming, dancing and embarrassment about why they feel that way about some boy named Zac. Wait a second, my daughter feels that way about some boy? When did this happen? Disney might turn some girls into little tramps, but not mine. The only TV character I’m cool with my daughter crushing on is Jack Bauer. Maybe Steve McGarrett.
I haven’t sat through the movie. My wife says it’s harmless, wholesome and kind of cute. It couldn’t possibly be more entertaining than this classic kid movie.
That every girl on earth watched HSM2 is no surprise. What amazed me was the previous record holder for basic-cable viewership: The 1993 CNN debate on the North Atlanic Free Trade Agreement, with 16.8 million viewers. I remember 1993 pretty well, and there’s no way basic cable was that boring back then. Was this debate held in the nude?

Caution: blog post about politics

2007-08-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

I don’t vote in the People’s Republic of New Haven, but I like what an aldermanic candidate has to say.
Daniel Sumrall is the New Haven Green Party candidate for the 7th ward. Aside from the usual Green Party platforms (everyone must ride their bikes from their solar-powered dwellings to their nonprofit jobs), Sumrall is willing to get all up in the face of New Haven parents who treat school as just some place their kid goes for seven hours.
Here’s his proposals:
- Parents must volunteer 20 hours per year in their kid’s school. They’ll be given plenty of choices, tailored to their interests and talents. In other words, if dad likes to build stuff, he can show a class how to make a birdhouse.
- If a student exceeds the allowable absent days, the parents get fined $250 per day for every missed day thereafter. Ouch, that hurts, but it’s up to the parents to make sure their kid is in school. Don’t resort to what Bridgeport is doing: bribes like a laptop raffle for kids who stay in school for 90 straight days.
Those two things are definitely sticks, but here’s his carrot:
- Keep schools open until 6 p.m. Households with two working parents have it rough. School lets out at 2 or 3 p.m. and kids with working parents are either unsupervised or their parents are paying for child care. There’s got to be some state or federal grant that can pay for an extended hours program at a few of the schools.
Sumrall does not appear to be parent, so I suppose some moms and dads might argue with his hardline stance. But show me a troubled kid and I’ll show you an uninvolved parent.

The Mouse gets mad

2007-08-16T12:38:00.000-04:00

Didn’t take long for the Disney empire to get all whiny about that study claiming educational baby videos harm, not help. language development.
The funny thing is, Disney wasn’t ticked about the study itself, just that the University of Washington issued a press release about the study.
“For the University to issue a press release making reckless charges warning parents to avoid using Baby Einstein products . . . is completely irresponsible,” Disney honcho Robert Iger said.
Iger asserted that parents in the study were asked to identify broad categories, such as “Baby DVDs/Videos,” not necessarily a particular brand like “Baby Einstein.”
Here’s what Iger is really thinking:
“Jeez, couldn’t you have just let the Journal of Pediatrics — which nobody reads, not even pediatricians — publish the study and be done with it? Did you have to send a press release out? Now every news organization and blog in the world (like this one) is saying Baby Einstein makes babies stupid. Dude, you’re hurting our revenue stream.”
Don’t think there won’t be payback. No tickets for “The Little Mermaid” on Broadway for you, University of Washington!

Check out these lunchboxes

2007-08-15T17:48:00.000-04:00

Somehow, I don't think my daughter's elementary school would approve

There's something about Polly

2007-08-14T14:55:00.000-04:00

The made-in-China toy scandal keeps getting worse, and now it hits close to home.
On the heels of telling parents that their kids’ Dora and Elmo toys can cause lead-paint induced brain damage, Mattel just announced a recall of 18.2 million Barbie, Batman and Polly Pocket toys that contain little magnets.
I’m sorry, did you just say Polly Pocket?
You mean the same Polly Pocket toys that litter my daughters’ playroom like snow at the North Pole?
Oh, boy.
I can just imagine the conversation:
“Girls, some of your Polly Pockets are dangerous, so I have to take them away.”
Both girls grab their Pocahontas knife and bow and arrow set and hold them in a menacing fashion.
“You take one step toward Polly, and that vasectomy thing Mom keeps mentioning is going to come the hard way.”
I’m just saying Polly holds a rather exalted position in our household, so it’s not going to be easy taking some of them away. Actually, my girls don’t play with the magnetized Polly clothes all that much. They stick to the impossibly small shoes and accessories, which is the root cause of my love/hate relationship with Polly. I just filled out a biographical questionnaire for my 3-year-old’s preschool that asked how much time I spend with her. I wrote: “Constantly, because pulling and tugging on a tiny Polly Pocket dress requires the manual dexterity of a NASA robot, so she spends most of her waking hours coming up to me and asking “Can you put this on?”
In all seriousness, the magnet danger is kind of scary. If your kid likes to put things in his or her mouth and swallows a few of these magnets, it can perforate the intestines. There have been three fatalities. Judging by Mattel’s full-page “please don’t stop buying our toys” ad in the New York Times, this whole thing is scaring plenty of boardroom bigwigs.
For recall information, go here. For a good Polly-related laugh, go here.
For you parents of boys who think you don’t have to worry, Mattel is also recalling 436,000 die-cast cars, including “Sarge” from the movie “Cars,” because of lead paint.
Oh, boy, indeed.

A tale of two school systems

2007-08-08T14:54:00.000-04:00

Win a laptop! Gift cards for Modell’s sporting goods can be yours!
A cheap e-mail pitch from a huckster?
No, it’s the Bridgeport school system trying to keep kids in the classroom. Incentives, otherwise known as bribes, are a growing trend in public schools. For seven years, Hartford has had a drawing — either a car or $10,000 — for kids with perfect attendance.
Here’s Bridgeport’s offer to high school students; attend classes for 90 straight days and win a chance at a laptop. Register for class early and you might win a $50 or $100 Modell’s gift card. Bridgeport school officials argue their kids can’t learn if they’re not in class.
New York City will take it to another level soon. “Opportunity NYC” is a privately-funded $50 million program that gives families up to $5,000 a year for fulfilling basic parenting objectives like taking the kids to the doctor or making sure they go to school.
Is this a harmless way to get kids to keep their noses in a book or is it the last gasp of the urban public school?
Probably a little of both.
Bribing kids and parents smacks of desperation and defeatism. There’s no other reason for staying in school other than a $50 gift card? Is there anyone who believes children should be grateful for a chance at betterment?
Actually, there is.
The Achievement First charter schools, based in New Haven, prove over and over that it’s not the kids’ fault. It’s the schools’. Achievement First kids just rocketed to the top of the Connecticut Mastery Tests, as they do every year. The reason is as simple as Achievement First’s motto: “Extremely high expectations for student achievement, rigorous instruction, no-excuses discipline, and a positive, achievement-oriented school culture.”
Urban public school administrators love to trot out excuses when confronted with charter school success: They cherry-pick the best kids. They only have one or two schools. False on both counts: Achievement First kids are chosen by lottery. Achievement First now operates 12 schools in Connecticut and New York.
At Achievement First, the kids think “Just imagine what I can do with this education.”
In Bridgeport, they say “Just imagine what I can do with a $100 gift card.”

Baby Einstein makes babies stupid

2007-08-07T15:46:00.000-04:00

All those high-achieving parents convinced that “educational” videos would turn their baby into a little Lisa Simpson blazing her way to Yale just got some bad news.
Their baby may turn out to be Bart.
A new University of Washington study has found that with every hour per day spent watching baby DVDs and videos, infants learned six to eight fewer new vocabulary words than babies who never watched the videos. These products had the strongest detrimental effect on babies 8 to 16 months old, the age at which language skills are starting to form.
“The more videos they watched, the fewer words they knew,” says study co-author Dr. Dimitri Christakis. “These babies scored about 10% lower on language skills than infants who had not watched these videos.”
Who’s most unhappy about this? Disney’s Baby Einstein empire. (“Trusted by parents” states the Web site). The entire premise of this company contradicts the American Association of Pediatrics’ recommendation that any TV prior to age 2 is detrimental. Of course, studies have shown just 6 percent of parents are aware of this recommendation.
I am in no way a child literacy expert, but these Baby Einstein videos always struck me as phony science. Where’s the proof that having an 8-month-old baby look at a picture of a Picasso on a TV screen will turn them into a Mensa member?
So, for what it’s worth, here’s Kid You Not’s foolproof guide to improving your baby’s language skills:
1. Take your baby to the library.
2. Pick out a nice picture book.
3. Sit with your baby and read the book.
4. Repeat as often as possible.
5. Count number of TVs in house. If it exceeds the number of kids’ books, there’s a problem.

This kind of stuff is why we have computers

2007-08-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

Somebody sent me this. It’s funny because it’s true!

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, Aug. 31th 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Red scare

2007-08-02T13:57:00.000-04:00

First Thomas the Tank Engine, now Big Bird, Dora and Elmo.
The list of lead paint-infested toys made in China keeps getting longer.
Here’s the A.P. account: Toy-maker Fisher-Price is recalling 83 types of toys — including the popular Big Bird, Elmo, Dora and Diego characters — because their paint contains excessive amounts of lead. The worldwide recall being announced Thursday involves 967,000 plastic preschool toys made by a Chinese vendor and sold in the United States between May and August. It is the latest in a wave of recalls that has heightened global concern about the safety of Chinese-made products.
Elmo’s annoying cackle has hurt plenty of adult brains. Now he can damage your child’s brain, for real.
Carter Keithley, president of the Toy Industries Association, expressed concern about how the recall and other toy recalls will play out in consumers’ minds in advance of the holiday season.
“We are worried about the public feeling,” said Keithley, adding he observed how toy companies are embracing strict controls during a recent toy safety seminar in China. “We have thought all along that (consumers) can be confident in the products,” he said. “But if companies like Mattel have this, then you have to ask how did this happen?”
How do you think it happened? U.S. toy corporations have everything made in China in order to increase profits. Chinese manufacturers have less supervision than Britney Spears’ children.
Still, it’s hard to get to worked up about this. Prior to 1978 in the United States, lead paint was pretty much a hors d’oeuvre. Erector sets and Tinker Toys probably had a mercury glaze on them because it made them nice and shiny.
We all ended up OK, ew t’ndid?

We all got really high

2007-08-01T15:28:00.000-04:00

A train trip to the Empire State Building with two girls, age 3 and 7, is not something to do on a whim, with little planning and few thoughts about crucial details, like survival.
Of course, that’s exactly what I did.
It was a noncamp week for the kids, which for parents is more painful than looking at pictures of a newly-skeletal Courtney Love. So I decided to try some fun day trips. The first one, to Mystic Aquarium, was a big success and made daddy feel like he could accomplish anything, such as free tickets to Xanadu.
The kids are frequent NYC vistors, but had never taken the train or visited some of the major tourist attractions, like the observatory on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building.
So off we went, ready for adventure. The train ride was fine, if you can deal with constant squirming, fighting over lukewarm juice in a Hello Kitty water bottle and withering stares from the PDA crowd.
Walking nine blocks from Grand Central Terminal to The Empire State Building with two young kids is like being in a car with Lindsay Lohan — you know it’s going to end bad.
7-year-old: “Why can’t we cross?”
Father: “The sign is still a hand.”
7-year-old: “Everyone else is.”
Father: “They’re all going to get hit by buses and die.”
3-year-old: “Daaaaad, pick me up.”
This went on for nine blocks.
We arrived and found that a good chunk of the population of Europe had the same idea. Thankfully, my wife got tickets online, which allowed us to bypass one of the 16 lines you must stand in before reaching the observatory. The payoff: 20 minutes of awesome views, some nice photos and the guards repeatedly warning me to stop the 3-year-old from climbing through the fence barrier and plunging to her death.
My advice for visiting the Empire State Building with kids: Don’t go in the summer, buy tickets online and try Mystic Aquarium instead.

Tears across Connecticut

2007-07-26T14:17:00.000-04:00

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H. Auden

Rest in peace, Jennifer Hawke-Petit, Hayley Petit and Michaela Petit. God give you strength, William Petit.

Ronald McDonald strikes again

2007-07-26T12:17:00.000-04:00

Once again, McDonalds junk food restaurants are exploiting kids under the guise of an educational program. As noted here more times than Big Macs have calories, McDonalds loves to send a costumed Ronald McDonald into schools and libraries to talk about reading, physical fitness or safety. All worthy topics, but what McDonalds is really interested in is selling french fries, attracting young customers-for-life and undercutting parental control.
This time, the Seymour Public Library (why is it always the Valley?) had Ronald McDonald in earlier this month to talk about reading. Perhaps these young readers should read the nutrition content of the average quarter pounder with cheese and get a lesson on fat, sugar and salt.
Getting kids enthused about reading is important, but there are better cheerleaders than the mascot for the worst food you could possibly give your kid. Scholastic, Inc. could send Clifford, the Big Red Dog, for instance. But it’s far easier for a library or school to simply pick up the phone when the Connecticut and Western Massachusetts McDonald’s Owner/Operator Association calls pitching Ronald’s availability. Then the association’s PR firm, Cronin and Company, Inc. of Glastonbury makes sure newspapers cover the event.
As I’ve noted in the past, some of the parents of these kids may be trying to keep their kids out of McDonalds. These “It’s Book Time with Ronald McDonald” or “Active Achievers” events undermine that effort. Here’s what Yale nutrition expert Kelly Brownell says: “It is a travesty to have a PE program branded by McDonald’s. It further commercializes schools and gets the company even more publicity with children.”
Schools and libraries need to be a little smarter about this insidious effort.

Code breakers

2007-07-11T14:43:00.000-04:00

Out here in suburbia among parents of elementary school kids, the most highly-anticipated event of summer is the annoucement of the upcoming school year’s class assignment. The Harry Potter book? Nope. The Red Sox’ August suck fest? Not even close.
The annoucement allows us parents to determine these crucial facts:
1. Is our kid’s best friend in her class?
2. Is the kid whose mom is all freaky about scheduling parents to read to the classroom in the class?
3. Did our kid get the teacher who makes Dick Cheney look like Captain Kangaroo?
There’s a new principal at our neighborhood school, and I’m sure he’s not too happy with how the classroom assignments leaked out. The school mailed out notices about meetings with the new principal, and tucked in the corner of the address label on the envelope was a code that most of us figured was just random letters and numbers, if we noticed them at all. But a few moms who could put World War II code breakers to shame quickly realized that the last two figures was the classroom assignment. If is was “2J” then your second grader had Miss Jones.
The e-mail chains burned with the hot news and now we can all go back to waiting for Jonathan Papelbon to break his wrist getting out of his Hummer.

Back from vacation, in need of rest

2007-07-10T12:45:00.000-04:00

Just walked into work after a week’s vacation to beautiful New Hampshire, only to have one of the newsroom interns inform us he’s back from St. Maarten and St. Barts.
That’s just great. I have underwear older than this kid, and he’s taking better vacations than me. While he was probably hobnobbing with topless eurotrash supermodels, my wife and I were desperately trying to keep track of a pair of our 7-year-old daughter’s $30 purple Crocs, a greasy tube of sunscreen and a 3-year-old who doesn’t consider it a successful vacation until she visits at least one emergency room.
We actually had a great time in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I’ve been trying to get the girls more into outdoor adventures and this year I added numerous waterfalls and swimming holes to the usual agenda of all-day visits to Storyland and Santa’s Village. For the first time, I think the girls truly understood that standing at the bottom of majestic 65-foot Glen Ellis falls (shown here)is more fulfilling than Dr. Geyser’s Wacky Water Ride and scrambling over rocks worn smooth by eons of rushing water is more fun than the Polar Coaster. And perhaps seeing a patch of icy snow 6,000 feet up Mt. Washington in July might be more inspiring that Cinderella’s Castle. OK, that’s pushing it a bit too far.
This vacation also marked a complete abandonment of my parental vow to never have a portable DVD player for the car. A neighbor loaned us theirs and, knowing the 5-hour drive can be a grueling slog rivaling a 10th century Crusade, I figured what the heck. Aside from having to listen to Dora for 45-minutes, the DVD player provided blissful backseat peace and quiet. I now vow to only use the DVD player on long trips. Like to Trader Joe’s.
So now we’re home and the car has been cleaned of sticky empty juices boxes and crushed Goldfish. It’s late at night and I’m sitting on the sofa flicking through photo after photo of smiling, happy children. That makes it all worthwhile.
An occasional topless eurotrash supermodel wouldn’t hurt, though.

It's a Webkinz world, now

2007-06-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

My wife and I finally gave in to the incessant wining and bought two Webkinz for our 7-year-old daughter. We had to use eBay, because Webkinz are exeeded in popularity by only the iPhone and possibly the Obama girl. Our daughter chose the Chihuahua and the Koala, for reasons only known to her second-grade girl mind. I suspect her choices are really a coded message to the outside world: “I have skillfully manipulated my parents for the first time. It won’t be the last.”
We bought the Webkinz just as news broke that the American Medical Association was considering classifying excessive video gaming as an addictive disorder, like drugs or alcohol or news about Paris Hilton. The AMA singles out role-playing games like World of Warcraft, in which the gamer enters a make believe world - which is exactly how Webkinz works. Each Webkinz comes with a code number that you use to enter the online Webkinz world, where you care for and nurture your Webkin.
So by giving my daughter a Webkin, I was really saying: “Here’s a crack pipe, honey.”
Thankfully, the AMA has backed off from it’s stance and “instead adopted a watered-down measure declaring that while overuse of video games and online games can be a problem for children and adults, calling it a formal addiction would be premature.”
That’s a relief. Now it’s more like: “Here’s a bong, honey.”