Welcome to the Alec Baldwin School of Parenting. Are you concerned today’s kids are too coddled? Too entitiled to their Abercrombie and Razrs? The Alec Baldwin School of Parenting will teach you how to keep your kids cowering in the corner, afraid of your very footsteps. They might hope for Mr. Rogers, you’ll give them Mr. T!
The Alec Baldwin School of Parenting knows your instinct is to be a "helicopter" parent, always hovering around your precious darling. Well, if you want your kids to grow up protected by a hardened shell of resentment and anger, you need to be an Apache gunship. We’ll show you how!
Let’s start with some improvised dialogue you can use the next time you have a conversation with your child.
They say: "Daddy, I love you."
You say: "You have made an ass out of me for the last time."
They say: "Daddy, do you like my new dress?"
You say: "I’m a good father, and you’re a pig. I don’t give a %&*$."
They say: "Daddy, the teachers are always picking on me. What should I do?"
You say: "You answer or you get hit with a brick."
They say: "Daddy, mom says you’re too strict."
You say: "You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain in the ass?"
They say: "I can’t wait for my birthday!"
You say: "I don’t care that you’re twelve or eleven or whatever."
With this these discussion tips, you can be the assertive person your child needs. Don’t be a best friend, be a parent!
Listen to these endorsements of The Alec Baldwin School of Parenting:
"The best thing since wire hangers!" — Joan Crawford
"Forget corporal punishment. He’s the three star general!" — John Rosemond
The first step is making the call: 1 (800) BAL-DWIN. Let’s let Alec have the last word: "Are you interested? I know you are ‘cause it’s pick up the phone or get your ass straightened out."