The Vatican has issued a “Drivers’ Ten Commandments” urging people to calm down and be nice when they’re on the road. The Pope has obviously never been in a car with young children for more than an hour. If he had, he’d have some bad behavior to explain to St. Peter on Judgement Day.
The Vatican said driving driving can bring out “primitive” behavior in motorists, including “impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, blasphemy, loss of sense of responsibility or deliberate infringement of the highway code.”
Aside from the cursing, that pretty much describes a typical car trip for my family. We’re heading for New Hampshire in a few weeks — a five-hour drive — so believe me, there’s going to a lot of rude gestures from the back seats and plenty of blasphemy from the front seats.
Here’s my Ten Commandments for the family car trip.
1. Children shall not immediately ask “Are we there yet?”
2. Parents shall not raise their hand in anger if 1st Commandment is violated.
3. Older daughter shall not grab younger daughter’s “My Pretty Pony” when older daughter hasn’t shown an interest in the stupid thing for the last three years.
4. Children shall understand that sky is not always blue and therefore cannot be used in “I Spy.”
5. Younger daughter shall not kick mother’s headrest more than once.
6. Mother shall not deploy duct tape if 5th Amendment is violated.
7. Soundtrack to “Barbie: Prince and the Pauper” may only be played once per hour.
8. Parents shall not endlessly bicker over whether or not letting them sleep now will mean they won’t go to bed on time tonight.
9. If children say they have to go potty, they shall damn well better go after we pull over.
10. Portable DVD players are a God-given right.