Right now, I'm hoping the Boy in the Balloon is hiding in a closet somewhere, afraid of being punished for letting his dad's silver flying saucer loose to fly willy-nilly around the Colorado sky.
I'm also fearful that 6-year-old boy has met a tragic end.
Either way, his parents face severe punishment in the court of public opinion. Boys get into everything, they will say. Boys seek out trouble, they say. If there's a hole in a fence, an uncovered well, a curious child will find it.
Do responsible parents allow access to a giant inflated balloon? Of course not. Go easy on them, I say. Their boy has flown away, beyond their help. They are being punished enough.

Dad: You went to the school nurse today?
Kindergartner: Yeah, I got a splinter.
Dad: Did you get a Band-Aid?
Kindergartner: No, she put gasoline on it.
Dad:(long pause) You mean Vaseline?
Kindergartner: Yeah. Heh.

President Obama’s school pep talk went over well and all the kooks who kept their kids out of school or had them sit in the cafeteria during the speech are probably feeling foolish. Most kids watched the speech and hopefully the president’s message of paying attention in class and working hard got through to them. I just wish Obama could have expanded his message to include some of the issues I have to deal with.
Something like this:
“...at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.
“And for you fourth graders, I’d like to ask you to get up on time so you don’t have to run around like a crazy person five minutes before the bus gets here looking for the blue homework folder and your reading log. And don’t take 10 minutes to decide what you want for breakfast so your father doesn’t lose 10 precious newspaper-reading minutes waiting for you to decide between the corn flakes or the bagel.
“You should provide your parents with a detailed description of your school activities at dinnertime, not a one syllable word like “fine” or “good” followed by a complaint that the kids who get hot lunch had an “icy juicy” for dessert and you had yogurt. Also, try and remember what day is gym class so you don’t have to change from shoes to sneakers 30 seconds before the bus gets here.
“It would be helpful of you’d stop asking for a $10 dry erase board that fits in your locker so you can write messages to the person who shares your locker. The person who’s standing next to you everytime you’re at the locker. And don’t bring up what kind of backpack you want for fifth grade, two weeks after getting a new shoulder bag for fourth grade. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.”
Now that would be a great speech. And lastly, Mr. President, if you’re reading, could you have someone in your administration please tell me what an “icy juicy” is.

Is it bad parenting to allow your 5-year-old daughter to go to her first rock concert? If so, I’m guilty.
Tonight, my daughter may be the youngest fan at The Killers’ show at Jones Beach on Long Island. She will be supervised, of course, by my Killers-loving wife, but she will be right there in the eighth row wearing her pink Killers T-shirt amid the screaming teenage girls and fist-pumping dudes.
So how does a girl who just managed to read her first book — Angelina Ballerina — end up being awake way past her bedtime two days before kindergarten starts at a rock show?
Careful planning, that’s how.
It all started earlier this year when we noticed her singing along to The Killers in the car. Her 9-year-old sister enjoys the band fine enough, but with nowhere near the enthusiasm of her younger sister.
“Could you turn it up a little bit,” she’d say.
As a music snob parent, I couldn’t be happier. The evil influence of the Jonas Brothers looms large over the pre-teen music world. We’ve caught our older daughter discussing the Jonas Brothers’ hair styles, something that made my heart cry in anguish. I’ve lost her, but I can still save the other one.
So my wife and I have encouraged her love of grown-up rock. After precise cultivation and a little manipulation, her favorite bands are the Killers, Ting-Tings and Vampire Weekend. That's just the start. "Honey, do you like this song? It's by the Ramones."
Too bad, Jonas Brothers, you won’t get this one with your stupid, manufactured corporate pop-punk.
My first rock concert was KISS in January 1977. I was 13. So my message to my 5-year-old daughter as she embarks on a lifelong love of loud guitars is this: May you rock ‘n roll all night and party every day! (as long as you keep those grades up).

Just to show I’m not some crazed food police guy — all my anti-McDonalds posts notwithstanding — here’s some praise for Denny’s for changing its kids’ menu.
The company has added “Better For You” choices for kids including vanilla yogurt with strawberry topping, “High Diving Veggies” (carrots, celery and cucumber), Apple Dunkers, Jell-O ®, “Spaghetti, Set, Go!” (spaghetti with marinara sauce), and pudding.
More significant is what Denny’s eliminated from the menu: Big Dipper French-Toastix™ (French toast sticks), hot dogs and “D-Fusion™” sugar beverage packets.
Yeah, yeah, I know McDonalds has apple slices in Happy Meals, but that’s just to get the food police off its back. Do you think they would ever eliminate French fries from Happy Meals? Sure, the same time when Ronald McDonald serves lunch at a PETA meeting.