Friday Flash: It's over

The principal of my 6-year-old daughter’s school is being transferred to another school in town, which is like those ridiculous concert tours by Queen without Freddie Mercury or The Doors without Jim Morrison. In other words, it’s just not the same without the lead singer.

It’s probably not that big a deal. I’m sure the new principal will be just fine and won’t do anything goofy, like celebrate World Diversity Day and invite Yale’s Taliban Man to read to the kids.

The reason I’m ticked is I’m probably going to be losing great blog material. What, you think it’s easy coming up with awesome stuff week after week? All year long, all I had to do was wait for my daughter’s Friday Flash newsletter to arrive.

First there was the ban on fancy coffee drinks. It seemed some parents were letting their age 10 and under kids bring mochachinos to school. Then the ban on flip flops. Then the ban on wheelie sneakers. This principal, using the most pleasant language possible, was telling parents to stop being complete imbiciles and have some control over their offspring.

I’m convinced the principal is being transferred because of the newsletter. School superintendents are notoriously wimpy about controversy and the easiest thing to do is transfer someone.

So, in honor of the principal’s final weeks at my daughter’s school, here’s her latest Friday Flash bombshell:

"Please do not allow your children to bring DVD players on the bus. We have had some complaints lately that some students are watching movies on the way to and from school and it is beginning to become a distraction for others. Many thanks!"

Let me emphasize that no one at this school is over the age of 10. Are these kids such TV zombies that they can’t spend 15 minutes on a bus without having to watch "High School Musical" over and over? And wouldn’t mom and dad have to approve of little Brecklyn putting a DVD player in her backpack? Please, stop this insanity!

Somehow, I don’t think the new principal will be tacking these crucial issues. So Godspeed you, Madam Principal, to your new school, where a fresh batch of pretentious kids and idiotic parents awoke this morning unaware of the reckoning that awaits them.

Rosemond Kaavyaized himself!

Another plagiarism scandal is rocking the publishing world. This time famed parenting advice columnist John Rosemond has been caught in the shameful glare. Sort of.

Turns out Rosemond has been plagiarizing himself. Here’s the details from the Knight Ridder Tribune newspaper conglomerate, which distributes Rosemond:

"Last month, KRT was alerted by a newspaper that a Rosemond column had previously been published. KRT immediately contacted the Observer, which checked its archives and found that the column had run more than six years ago. The Observer staff then checked all columns printed over the past four years. Charlotte Observer Editor Rick Thames describes the results of the investigation:

"Our audit turned up previously published material in four other columns this year, 12 columns in 2005, six columns in 2004 and three columns in 2003. The content typically reappeared four to five years after it was originally published."

In addition, "Rosemond said that on rare occasions he presented a question as coming from a specific reader when it was actually a composite, based on queries from multiple readers."

Let me state this clearly: I am and always will be a Rosemond fan. I support the four cornerstones of Rosemond’s world: 1) Parents are not supposed to be their kid’s best friend. 2) Your grandmother knew how to raise kids. You don’t. 3) Don’t agonize over your kid’s mistakes. Just punish them in such a way that would make Pol Pot proud. 4) Spanking is technically wrong (but go ahead and whack that little wiseass if you need to).

I have also uncovered a few examples of Rosemond repeating himself.

Oct. 2, 2000 column: "You are a failure if your kid is still wearing diapers at 18 months. Make your kid crap all over themselves a few times until it sinks into the little cement head that they need to have better control over their sphincter."

June 21, 2005 column: "You are a failure if your kid is still wearing diapers at 18 months. Make your kid crap all over themselves a few times until it sinks into the little cement head that they need to have better control over their sphincter."

What’s wrong with repeating words of wisdom?

What's for dinner? Monkey heads!

The next time your kids complain about eating broccoli, show them The New York Times article about the Nukuk tribe that recently wandered out of the Amazonian jungle. A photo shows one little Nukuk scamp gnawing on a barbequed monkey head.

Let’s imagine it’s dinner time at the Nukuk hut. Mom is frazzled from hauling the kids all over the jungle for blow gun practice and dad just wants to relax for a few minutes after a day of gathering berries and avoiding the poison dart frogs, anacondas and that jerk Nukuk co-worker who keeps talking about his new spear.

"Mommm, what’s for dinner?"

"Berries."

"Aawww, that’s all we ever have."

"Young man, you’ll eat every berry on your palm leaf or there will be no dessert."

"What’s for dessert?"

"Monkey heads."

"Yaaayyy, monkey heads!"