Panic! Every girl between the ages of 3 and 10, including my daughters, is trying to register the new Webkinz they got for Christmas today. The Web site is crashing faster than cars on I-95 after an inch of snow.
Webkinz is the answer to a dad’s dream: Cheap, wholesome entertainment. Here’s the Christmas gift rundown in the Kid You Not household: three Webkinz and a boatload of nearly new Barbie stuff scored by my wife off Freecycle. Total cost: $30. And the kids are none the wiser.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

This isn’t a “10 best” list. I’m not qualified to say what’s best. I’ll leave that to the professionals, like my esteemed colleague Pat Ferrucci. He does a “Top 20” list. Dude!
10. “Going Way Out With Heavy Trash” by Heavy Trash: Me and about ten people saw Jon Spencer play with his new band, Heavy Trash, at Cafe Nine last fall. It was everything that used to be great about rock n’ roll.
9. “The Hair, the TV, the Baby and the Band” by Imperial Teen: Fun, poppy, punky, sometimes dark. My kids like the song “Sweet Potato.”
8. “Soap and Water” by Chuck Prophet: He should be a star, like Tom Petty. Because he’s better.
7. “Out of the Woods” by Tracey Thorn: Shockingly, this record by the Everthing But The Girl singer turned up on Kalefah Sennah’s Top 10 list for the NY Times. Sennah’s the guy who praises all those awful rap records about pimpin’, dealin’ and shootin’ because the NY Times has a lot of guilt issues.
6. “Rock en Espanol, Vol. 1” Los Straightjackets: A tex/mex/surf rave up of classic covers.
5. High School Musical 2: I play this record in my car a lot. Even when the kids aren’t in the back seat.
4. “Kala” M.I.A: Kalefa Sennah probably likes this record. With good reason. Lots of crazy beats. Another favorite of my kids’.
3. “Because of the Times” by Kings of Leon: The second best band on the planet.
2. “At My Age” by Nick Lowe: Wry. bitter, sublime tales of aging. Not that I can relate to that.
1. “Icky Thump” by White Stripes. The best band on the planet.
On shuffle: Grinderman, Hives, Of Montreal, Pierces, Jens Lekman, Ryan Adams.

8:17 a.m. “Look at the time! Get dressed! You’ll miss the bus!”
“Where’s mom?”
“She’s still at the gym. She’s running late.”
8:20 a.m. “What about my lunch?’”
“OK, you can get the lunch alternative today. Get the bagel plate.”
“Did you sign my homework sheet?”
“Yeah, hurry up. We have to do your hair.”
8:25 a.m. “Come on, let’s go. Do you have your gloves and mittens?”
“What about (still sleeping 3-year-old sister)?”
“I’m going to walk you to the mailbox and (neighbor with kids) can watch you at the bus stop. I don’t think I’ll get arrested.”
8:30 a.m. (Father and daughter begin walking. Mom’s car rounds the corner, slows down and window lowers)
8:31 a.m. “What are you guys doing? School's cancelled.”

Wow. I knew McDonalds was shameless in its attempts to put its brand in front of unsuspecting kids and undermine parental authority. For years, local McDonalds owners have been sending a guy dressed up as Ronald McDonald to local schools and libraries to talk about reading, personal safety and even physical fitness. The topic doesn’t really matter, it’s just a way to get kids into a restaurant that serves the worst food you could possibly serve to growing children.
Now comes news that McDonalds in Seminole, Fla. is advertising on report card envelopes of 27,000 elementary school kids. Get an “A” and get a free Happy Meal, the ad states.
Concerned parents should be angry for two reasons: First, mom and dad decide if there’s going to be a reward for good grades, not some corporate marketer who stays up late thinking of ways to reach the 4 percent of kids who don’t recognize the McDonalds’ logo. Second, many schools are including more healthful foods on menus and many parents want to improve their kids’ diet. McDonalds undermines each effort.
What’s the big deal, many may say. Happy Meals now come with apples and milk. That’s just a crass way for McDonalds to get some cover when the food police come calling. “We serve heathful food, see? Would you like fries with that?”
In reality, McDonalds is devious and manipulative. The company once promised that it would promote only healthful options for kids under 12 and it would have no ads in elementary schools. What do you call paying $1,600 to print up the envelopes with a likeness of Ronald McDonald? It’s called advertising. The Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood agrees.
The schools have to take much of the blame. It’s easy for a school superintendent to accept the offer of a visit from Ronald McDonald. It’s free and there’s no work involved.How about a better option if the school has a rewards program: tickets to a baseball game, a museum or the zoo.
Anything but McDonalds.