Fellow Register blogger Randall Beach has clearly lost his mind. He writes that he and his teenage daughters lament the start of school, and wish for a few more carefree days.
Randy is obviously living in crazytown.
At my house, the start of school is Christmas, Halloween and your birthday wrapped into one fantastic day. Late August prior to the start of school is worse than hearing Britney Spears has a new song out. Vacations are over, day camps are done and everybody is getting on everybody’s one remaining nerve.
So what’s better than two bags of Cheetos falling from the vending machine after you paid for one? The first day of school. Our 7-year-old daughter is a refocused second-grader, no longer dependant on mom and dad every waking moment.
My wife and I were seriously considering putting a backpack on our precocious 3-year-old daughter and having her join the scrum at the bus stop and then wander around big sister’s school. She kind of looks like a kindergartner, so what’s the harm?
A state senator from Meriden wants to pass a law requiring schools to start after Labor Day. This is the worst idea from a politican since Sen. Larry Craig decided to use the men’s room.
I say start school in mid-August and end school earlier. My daughter’s last class this year was June 23. July 4th was the following week, so summer already seemed half over.
Let Randy mourn the end of summer. I’ll be too busy celebrating my favorite holiday — First Day of School.

Even Miss Teen South Carolina knows baggy pants are silly. About the only thing sillier is a law banning them. Stratford came oh-so-close to that recently, before someone slapped the town council upside the head and convinced them to reject Councilman Alvin O’Neal’s goofy idea.
O’Neal said many elderly people had complained about the sight of kids in their baggy pants.
Let’s perform a handy translation service here.
What an elderly person says: “Those baggy pants are offensive.”
What an elderly person means: “Why can’t it be like 1957 when all these black boys knew their place?”
I would be willing to pass a law against white kids dressing this way, like the kid shown here. Idiots like this should be on death row.

My oldest daughter is only 7, but my wife and I had a serious discussion the other night about kids and cars. It was prompted by the horrendous crash in Bristol last week that killed four teens. The mayor of Bristol told a heartbreaking story of burying his young child after a five-year struggle with leukemia. He said at least he had time to prepare for his son’s death. He said he didn’t know how he would deal with a middle-of-the-night phone call.
In recent years, I’ve noticed a threat on highways and roads that’s as deadly as drunk driving. There is a culture of speeding among today’s teenagers, aided and abetted by stupid parents who put zippy $30,000 sports cars in the hands of young drivers. Highways are NASCAR race tracks. Neighborhood streets are 60 mph speed zones. Police crackdowns on speeding are half-hearted and infrequent. The highly publicized “click it or ticket” campaign stinks of defeatism: we don’t care if you speed, just wear a seatbelt so you don’t get too hurt when you plow into a minivan.
For some reason, my daughter frequently asks me when we’re in the car:
“Daddy, are you a fast driver?”
“No, I’m medium. Not too fast, not too slow.”
I hope that message gets through to her because nine years are going to go by fast and she’ll be wanting that driver’s license. Hopefully by then, we’ll let kids vote at 16 but not drive until they’re 18.

If you were a girl between the age of 6 and 11, you were watching the premier of High School Musical 2 last Friday night. The Disney phenomenon was watched by 17 million people, a new record for basic-cable viewership. Four of every five girls between 6 and 11 who watched TV that night watched HSM2.
My daughter, 7, of course, watched every second. She went to a HSM2 party, where I’m told there was much screaming, dancing and embarrassment about why they feel that way about some boy named Zac. Wait a second, my daughter feels that way about some boy? When did this happen? Disney might turn some girls into little tramps, but not mine. The only TV character I’m cool with my daughter crushing on is Jack Bauer. Maybe Steve McGarrett.
I haven’t sat through the movie. My wife says it’s harmless, wholesome and kind of cute. It couldn’t possibly be more entertaining than this classic kid movie.
That every girl on earth watched HSM2 is no surprise. What amazed me was the previous record holder for basic-cable viewership: The 1993 CNN debate on the North Atlanic Free Trade Agreement, with 16.8 million viewers. I remember 1993 pretty well, and there’s no way basic cable was that boring back then. Was this debate held in the nude?

I don’t vote in the People’s Republic of New Haven, but I like what an aldermanic candidate has to say.
Daniel Sumrall is the New Haven Green Party candidate for the 7th ward. Aside from the usual Green Party platforms (everyone must ride their bikes from their solar-powered dwellings to their nonprofit jobs), Sumrall is willing to get all up in the face of New Haven parents who treat school as just some place their kid goes for seven hours.
Here’s his proposals:
- Parents must volunteer 20 hours per year in their kid’s school. They’ll be given plenty of choices, tailored to their interests and talents. In other words, if dad likes to build stuff, he can show a class how to make a birdhouse.
- If a student exceeds the allowable absent days, the parents get fined $250 per day for every missed day thereafter. Ouch, that hurts, but it’s up to the parents to make sure their kid is in school. Don’t resort to what Bridgeport is doing: bribes like a laptop raffle for kids who stay in school for 90 straight days.
Those two things are definitely sticks, but here’s his carrot:
- Keep schools open until 6 p.m. Households with two working parents have it rough. School lets out at 2 or 3 p.m. and kids with working parents are either unsupervised or their parents are paying for child care. There’s got to be some state or federal grant that can pay for an extended hours program at a few of the schools.
Sumrall does not appear to be parent, so I suppose some moms and dads might argue with his hardline stance. But show me a troubled kid and I’ll show you an uninvolved parent.

Didn’t take long for the Disney empire to get all whiny about that study claiming educational baby videos harm, not help. language development.
The funny thing is, Disney wasn’t ticked about the study itself, just that the University of Washington issued a press release about the study.
“For the University to issue a press release making reckless charges warning parents to avoid using Baby Einstein products . . . is completely irresponsible,” Disney honcho Robert Iger said.
Iger asserted that parents in the study were asked to identify broad categories, such as “Baby DVDs/Videos,” not necessarily a particular brand like “Baby Einstein.”
Here’s what Iger is really thinking:
“Jeez, couldn’t you have just let the Journal of Pediatrics — which nobody reads, not even pediatricians — publish the study and be done with it? Did you have to send a press release out? Now every news organization and blog in the world (like this one) is saying Baby Einstein makes babies stupid. Dude, you’re hurting our revenue stream.”
Don’t think there won’t be payback. No tickets for “The Little Mermaid” on Broadway for you, University of Washington!

Somehow, I don't think my daughter's elementary school would approve

The made-in-China toy scandal keeps getting worse, and now it hits close to home.
On the heels of telling parents that their kids’ Dora and Elmo toys can cause lead-paint induced brain damage, Mattel just announced a recall of 18.2 million Barbie, Batman and Polly Pocket toys that contain little magnets.
I’m sorry, did you just say Polly Pocket?
You mean the same Polly Pocket toys that litter my daughters’ playroom like snow at the North Pole?
Oh, boy.
I can just imagine the conversation:
“Girls, some of your Polly Pockets are dangerous, so I have to take them away.”
Both girls grab their Pocahontas knife and bow and arrow set and hold them in a menacing fashion.
“You take one step toward Polly, and that vasectomy thing Mom keeps mentioning is going to come the hard way.”
I’m just saying Polly holds a rather exalted position in our household, so it’s not going to be easy taking some of them away. Actually, my girls don’t play with the magnetized Polly clothes all that much. They stick to the impossibly small shoes and accessories, which is the root cause of my love/hate relationship with Polly. I just filled out a biographical questionnaire for my 3-year-old’s preschool that asked how much time I spend with her. I wrote: “Constantly, because pulling and tugging on a tiny Polly Pocket dress requires the manual dexterity of a NASA robot, so she spends most of her waking hours coming up to me and asking “Can you put this on?”
In all seriousness, the magnet danger is kind of scary. If your kid likes to put things in his or her mouth and swallows a few of these magnets, it can perforate the intestines. There have been three fatalities. Judging by Mattel’s full-page “please don’t stop buying our toys” ad in the New York Times, this whole thing is scaring plenty of boardroom bigwigs.
For recall information, go here. For a good Polly-related laugh, go here.
For you parents of boys who think you don’t have to worry, Mattel is also recalling 436,000 die-cast cars, including “Sarge” from the movie “Cars,” because of lead paint.
Oh, boy, indeed.

Win a laptop! Gift cards for Modell’s sporting goods can be yours!
A cheap e-mail pitch from a huckster?
No, it’s the Bridgeport school system trying to keep kids in the classroom. Incentives, otherwise known as bribes, are a growing trend in public schools. For seven years, Hartford has had a drawing — either a car or $10,000 — for kids with perfect attendance.
Here’s Bridgeport’s offer to high school students; attend classes for 90 straight days and win a chance at a laptop. Register for class early and you might win a $50 or $100 Modell’s gift card. Bridgeport school officials argue their kids can’t learn if they’re not in class.
New York City will take it to another level soon. “Opportunity NYC” is a privately-funded $50 million program that gives families up to $5,000 a year for fulfilling basic parenting objectives like taking the kids to the doctor or making sure they go to school.
Is this a harmless way to get kids to keep their noses in a book or is it the last gasp of the urban public school?
Probably a little of both.
Bribing kids and parents smacks of desperation and defeatism. There’s no other reason for staying in school other than a $50 gift card? Is there anyone who believes children should be grateful for a chance at betterment?
Actually, there is.
The Achievement First charter schools, based in New Haven, prove over and over that it’s not the kids’ fault. It’s the schools’. Achievement First kids just rocketed to the top of the Connecticut Mastery Tests, as they do every year. The reason is as simple as Achievement First’s motto: “Extremely high expectations for student achievement, rigorous instruction, no-excuses discipline, and a positive, achievement-oriented school culture.”
Urban public school administrators love to trot out excuses when confronted with charter school success: They cherry-pick the best kids. They only have one or two schools. False on both counts: Achievement First kids are chosen by lottery. Achievement First now operates 12 schools in Connecticut and New York.
At Achievement First, the kids think “Just imagine what I can do with this education.”
In Bridgeport, they say “Just imagine what I can do with a $100 gift card.”

All those high-achieving parents convinced that “educational” videos would turn their baby into a little Lisa Simpson blazing her way to Yale just got some bad news.
Their baby may turn out to be Bart.
A new University of Washington study has found that with every hour per day spent watching baby DVDs and videos, infants learned six to eight fewer new vocabulary words than babies who never watched the videos. These products had the strongest detrimental effect on babies 8 to 16 months old, the age at which language skills are starting to form.
“The more videos they watched, the fewer words they knew,” says study co-author Dr. Dimitri Christakis. “These babies scored about 10% lower on language skills than infants who had not watched these videos.”
Who’s most unhappy about this? Disney’s Baby Einstein empire. (“Trusted by parents” states the Web site). The entire premise of this company contradicts the American Association of Pediatrics’ recommendation that any TV prior to age 2 is detrimental. Of course, studies have shown just 6 percent of parents are aware of this recommendation.
I am in no way a child literacy expert, but these Baby Einstein videos always struck me as phony science. Where’s the proof that having an 8-month-old baby look at a picture of a Picasso on a TV screen will turn them into a Mensa member?
So, for what it’s worth, here’s Kid You Not’s foolproof guide to improving your baby’s language skills:
1. Take your baby to the library.
2. Pick out a nice picture book.
3. Sit with your baby and read the book.
4. Repeat as often as possible.
5. Count number of TVs in house. If it exceeds the number of kids’ books, there’s a problem.

Somebody sent me this. It’s funny because it’s true!

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, Aug. 31th 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

First Thomas the Tank Engine, now Big Bird, Dora and Elmo.
The list of lead paint-infested toys made in China keeps getting longer.
Here’s the A.P. account: Toy-maker Fisher-Price is recalling 83 types of toys — including the popular Big Bird, Elmo, Dora and Diego characters — because their paint contains excessive amounts of lead. The worldwide recall being announced Thursday involves 967,000 plastic preschool toys made by a Chinese vendor and sold in the United States between May and August. It is the latest in a wave of recalls that has heightened global concern about the safety of Chinese-made products.
Elmo’s annoying cackle has hurt plenty of adult brains. Now he can damage your child’s brain, for real.
Carter Keithley, president of the Toy Industries Association, expressed concern about how the recall and other toy recalls will play out in consumers’ minds in advance of the holiday season.
“We are worried about the public feeling,” said Keithley, adding he observed how toy companies are embracing strict controls during a recent toy safety seminar in China. “We have thought all along that (consumers) can be confident in the products,” he said. “But if companies like Mattel have this, then you have to ask how did this happen?”
How do you think it happened? U.S. toy corporations have everything made in China in order to increase profits. Chinese manufacturers have less supervision than Britney Spears’ children.
Still, it’s hard to get to worked up about this. Prior to 1978 in the United States, lead paint was pretty much a hors d’oeuvre. Erector sets and Tinker Toys probably had a mercury glaze on them because it made them nice and shiny.
We all ended up OK, ew t’ndid?

A train trip to the Empire State Building with two girls, age 3 and 7, is not something to do on a whim, with little planning and few thoughts about crucial details, like survival.
Of course, that’s exactly what I did.
It was a noncamp week for the kids, which for parents is more painful than looking at pictures of a newly-skeletal Courtney Love. So I decided to try some fun day trips. The first one, to Mystic Aquarium, was a big success and made daddy feel like he could accomplish anything, such as free tickets to Xanadu.
The kids are frequent NYC vistors, but had never taken the train or visited some of the major tourist attractions, like the observatory on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building.
So off we went, ready for adventure. The train ride was fine, if you can deal with constant squirming, fighting over lukewarm juice in a Hello Kitty water bottle and withering stares from the PDA crowd.
Walking nine blocks from Grand Central Terminal to The Empire State Building with two young kids is like being in a car with Lindsay Lohan — you know it’s going to end bad.
7-year-old: “Why can’t we cross?”
Father: “The sign is still a hand.”
7-year-old: “Everyone else is.”
Father: “They’re all going to get hit by buses and die.”
3-year-old: “Daaaaad, pick me up.”
This went on for nine blocks.
We arrived and found that a good chunk of the population of Europe had the same idea. Thankfully, my wife got tickets online, which allowed us to bypass one of the 16 lines you must stand in before reaching the observatory. The payoff: 20 minutes of awesome views, some nice photos and the guards repeatedly warning me to stop the 3-year-old from climbing through the fence barrier and plunging to her death.
My advice for visiting the Empire State Building with kids: Don’t go in the summer, buy tickets online and try Mystic Aquarium instead.